INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game(1). Each has a different bag of Doritos: Anna has Nacho Cheese, Beth has Cool Ranch(2).
Beth: “You die!”
Something drops onto the coffee table: BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!
ANNA and BETH: “Ooooh, new flavor!
WIDEN SHOT(3): CATHY(4) stares at them sternly. Cathy’s lips move in shapes that don’t match her words, which start a moment later like in a badly-dubbed martial arts flick.
CATHY: “You will fight for them!”
(Her voice is that of a homicidal-sounding Asian man.)
ANNA: “How does she do that?”
WIDE SHOT: Center of living room. Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duellists. Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.
Cathy claps twice; the sound definitely doesn’t match her hands. The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl their Doritos like throwing stars! Each catches the other’s chip in her mouth(5). A beat, as they lock gazes.
CLOSE ON: Anna. She flings four Nacho Cheese in less than a second.
CLOSE ON: Beth. Likewise, except three Cool Ranch, one something else.
MEDIUM SHOT: Middle living room. Eight chips flash past in opposite directions(6).
EIGHT ALTERNATING QUICK SHOTS: Beth and Anna making increasingly crazy catches. Such as: simple catch, martial arts crane position, diving horizontally, backflip, somersault, standing on head, etc(7).
CLOSE ON: Anna, catching the last of the eight chips. Her eyes fly wide, she briefly shudders.
MEDIUM SHOT: Between Beth and Cathy. Beth smirks, holding up:
This, as Cathy mouths several rapid-fire Badly-Dubbed-Asian-Male syllables.
CLOSE ON: Anna. A beat, to admire her furious glare. Then she throws 8 more Nacho Cheese even faster than before. She’s gotten so fast she may be changing jewelry, hair clips, and other bling between each throw(8). It’s hard to tell.
CLOSE ON: Beth. Likewise with Cool Ranch.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of room. Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions. As increasing numbers fly off-screen,
SFX: CRUNCHCRUUNCHCRNCRNUNCHUNCHUNCH…you know: the sound of 100 gigantic preying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating their unions with 100 hard-headed husbands(9).
WIDE SHOT: Living room. Anna and Beth exchange fabulous glares as each does some weird but awesome Super Saiyan-like maneuver before hurling the Doritos.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of living room. Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air. They instantly disappear and a bag of
appears, hovering just long enough to be recognized.
BACK AND FORTH: As Anna’s and Beth’s scowls increase to OVER LEVEL 9000!
WIDE SHOT: The two warriors rush forward and meet at center-screen, dual-wielding Nacho Cheeses and Cool Ranches! DOUBLE Blade Lock, edge-perpendicular-to-edge(10)!
ANNA: “Treasure be mine!”
BETH: “My booty!”(11)
The gladiators’ struggle forces them into movements and postures as titillating(12) as possible without being obvious about it…
FADE TO BLACK. A beat.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Apparently the fight lasted for hours. The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone. Empty Doritos bags are everywhere. The household cat has one stuck to her back.(13)
Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa: disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy. The Doritos prize is between them. Cathy places a hand on the shoulder of each weary warrior.
CATHY: “Doritos Draw!”
As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER DORY and EMMA. One has a Nacho Cheese bag, the other Cool Ranch. They REACT to the prize Doritos.
DORY and EMMA: “Ooooh, new flavor!”
CATHY: “You will fight for them!”
Anna and Beth’s heads sag.
Dueling position. Two teams, four babes, back-to-back to back-to-back. SLOW FADE as they begin to stride. A Doritos Logo appears onscreen.
SFX: “KOMBAT KATHY” (off-screen): “You will fight for them!”
(1) Video games are a perfect segue…but we shouldn’t see the controllers, or at least they’re unrecognizable. REASON: No outside product placement AT ALL. If it’s too much trouble, just have them watching the football game with generic cheering.
Also, we CANNOT have any Warner Brothers or DC Entertainment products visible or we’re disqualified. Which also means we can’t parody Mortal Kombat too closely.
(2) The email from Doritos said they much prefer Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch being featured. So the other flavors just for their punchlines, and no longer than necessary.
(3) WIDEN SHOT: Whatever director wants, of course. It’s just how I see it in my head.
(4) Cathy played by Evelyn or another girl actress? Two reasons: it’s the absolute funniest contrast with the voice. Also, so it doesn’t look like a total pander to the Male Gaze.
(5) This first toss/catch is written in a wide shot, which requires simultaneous catches from a pretty far distance. It’d be awesome if we could get this! It would establish all the rest. But probably awesomely hard unless Anna and Beth are both good throws. Any of you practice card throwing? Like some poor deprived McAvoy boys growing up before there were video games?
(6) Eight chips crossing shot: best with tighest possible grouping?
(7) The crazier the better. Like the lounging, “Deadpool in front of the fireplace” shot? It’s SNACK FU!
(8) If changing accessories isn’t too distracting, of course. Or it’s too much trouble getting them into the same exact position for each shot, after moving them around.
(9) Doritos has a “chip crunch” SFX on their website, part of the contestants’ ToolKit. If they have rigid requirements of SFX or other, I don’t know yet. Checking it out ASAP!
(10) If you can’t make this work, Doritos Dinamitas are permitted but discouraged. But if they turn the regular Doritos at right-angles it seems doable.
(11) “Treasure” and “booty” lines: feel free to change if too “cheesy”, of course. Don’t pardon the pun.
(12) As (11).
(13) If we use a cat actor, we have an additional form to fill out, affirming that it wasn’t harmed in any way. So if she’s bored or grooming herself, good. It she’s catnipshit-crazy, probably not.