Snack Fu: “You Will Fight For Them!”

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game.  Each has a different bag of Doritos:  Anna has Nacho Cheese, Beth has Cool Ranch.

Anna:  “Die!

Beth:  “You die!”

Something drops onto the coffee table:  BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!

ANNA and BETH:   “Ooooh, new flavor!

WIDEN SHOT:  CATHY stares at them sternly.  Cathy’s lips move in shapes that don’t match her words, which start a moment later like in a badly-dubbed martial arts flick.

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

(Her voice is that of a homicidal-sounding Asian man.)

ANNA:  “How does she do that?”

WIDE SHOT:  Center of living room.  Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duellists.  Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.

Cathy claps twice; the sound definitely doesn’t match her hands.  The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl Doritos like throwing stars!  Each catches the other’s chip in her mouth.  A beat, as they lock gazes.

CLOSE ON:  Anna.  She flings four Nacho Cheese in about a second.

CLOSE ON: Beth.  Likewise, except three Cool Ranch, one something else.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Middle living room.  Eight chips flash past in opposite directions.

EIGHT ALTERNATING QUICK SHOTS:  Beth and Anna making increasingly crazy catches. Such as: simple catch, martial arts crane position, diving horizontally, backflip, somersault, standing on head, etc.  The crazier the better.

CLOSE ON:  Anna, catching the last of the eight chips. Her eyes fly wide, she briefly shudders.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Between Beth and Cathy.  Beth smirks, holding up:

Doritos-Burn3

Meanwhile Cathy mouths several rapid-fire Badly-Dubbed-Asian-Male syllables.

CATHY:  “Burn!”

CLOSE ON:   Anna.  A beat, to admire her furious glare.  Then she throws 8 more Nacho Cheese even faster than before.  She’s gotten so fast she may be changing jewelry, hair clips, and other accessories between each throw.  It’s hard to tell.

CLOSE ON:  Beth.  Likewise with Cool Ranch.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of room.  Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions.  As increasing numbers fly off-screen,

SFX:  CRUNCHCRUUNCHCRNCRNUNCHUNCHUNCH…you know:  the sound of 100 gigantic praying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating their unions with 100 hard-headed husbands.

WIDE SHOT:  Living room.  Anna and Beth exchange fabulous glares as each does some weird but awesome Super Saiyan-like maneuver before hurling the Doritos.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of living room.  Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air.  They instantly disappear and a bag of

doritos collisions

appears, hovering just long enough to be recognized.

BACK AND FORTH:  As Anna’s and Beth’s scowls increase to OVER LEVEL 9000!

WIDE SHOT:  The two warriors rush forward and meet at center-screen, dual-wielding Nacho Cheeses and Cool Ranches!  DOUBLE Blade Lock, edge-perpendicular-to-edge!

ANNA:  “Treasure be mine!”

BETH:  “My booty!”

The gladiators’ struggle forces them into movements and postures as titillating as possible without being obvious about it…

FADE TO BLACK.  A beat.

CUT TO:

INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Apparently the fight lasted for hours.  The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone.  Empty Doritos bags are everywhere.  The household cat has one stuck to her back.

Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa:  disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy.  The Doritos prize is between them.  Cathy places a hand on the shoulder of each weary warrior.

CATHY:  “Doritos Draw!”

As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER DORY and EMMA.  One has a Nacho Cheese bag, the other Cool Ranch.  They REACT to the prize Doritos.

DORY and EMMA:   “Ooooh, new flavor!”

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

Anna and Beth’s heads sag.

CUT TO:

Dueling position.  Two teams, four babes, back-to-back to back-to-back.  SLOW FADE as they begin to stride.  A Doritos Logo appears onscreen.

SFX:  “KOMBAT KATHY” (off-screen):  “You will fight for them!”

FIN

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About wormme

I've accepted that all of you are socially superior to me. But no pretending that any of you are rational.
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5 Responses to Snack Fu: “You Will Fight For Them!”

  1. Blake says:

    Mid fight-enter, through windows, bare chested fear the beard hipsters showing off a six flab..zoom to their incredulous faces as they see nothing but a smorgasboard of flying Doritos.

    Guy 1: Dude..
    Guy 2: Bro….

    Camera zooms out..furious at the interlopers, the Dorito babes decide to team up and take on the flabsters…Doritos flying everywhere… mayhem and madness…there can only be 1!!

    The babes collapse as they cannot keep up with the brodes..(dude and bro combined into one word.)

    The brodes..call a truce..an alarms sounds..The brodes look at each other…”quick, another Dorito Babe duel that needs our help!!” “To the truck…”

    Sound of monster truck tires squealing, engine roar making the screen vibrate…fade as the truck disappears down the once quiet and nondescript neighborhood street.

    • wormme says:

      That’s good material. Alas, we’re strictly held to 30 seconds and it will take a minor miracle to cram in the existing stuff.

      • Blake says:

        I once applied to write commercials, years ago. I had a guy at an agency compliment me on my stuff, but he wondered if I was nothing more than a one hit wonder.

        I never pursued writing ads and instead went into computers.

        Seriously.

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