INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game. Each has a different bag of Doritos: Anna has Nacho Cheese, Beth has Cool Ranch.
Beth: “You die!”
Something drops onto the coffee table: BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!
ANNA and BETH: “Ooooh, new flavor!
WIDEN SHOT: CATHY stares at them sternly. Cathy’s lips move in shapes that don’t match her words, which start a moment later like in a badly-dubbed martial arts flick.
CATHY: “You will fight for them!”
(Her voice is that of a homicidal-sounding Asian man.)
ANNA: “How does she do that?”
WIDE SHOT: Center of living room. Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duellists. Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.
Cathy claps twice; the sound definitely doesn’t match her hands. The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl Doritos like throwing stars! Each catches the other’s chip in her mouth. A beat, as they lock gazes.
CLOSE ON: Anna. She flings four Nacho Cheese in about a second.
CLOSE ON: Beth. Likewise, except three Cool Ranch, one something else.
MEDIUM SHOT: Middle living room. Eight chips flash past in opposite directions.
EIGHT ALTERNATING QUICK SHOTS: Beth and Anna making increasingly crazy catches. Such as: simple catch, martial arts crane position, diving horizontally, backflip, somersault, standing on head, etc. The crazier the better.
CLOSE ON: Anna, catching the last of the eight chips. Her eyes fly wide, she briefly shudders.
MEDIUM SHOT: Between Beth and Cathy. Beth smirks, holding up:
Meanwhile Cathy mouths several rapid-fire Badly-Dubbed-Asian-Male syllables.
CLOSE ON: Anna. A beat, to admire her furious glare. Then she throws 8 more Nacho Cheese even faster than before. She’s gotten so fast she may be changing jewelry, hair clips, and other accessories between each throw. It’s hard to tell.
CLOSE ON: Beth. Likewise with Cool Ranch.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of room. Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions. As increasing numbers fly off-screen,
SFX: CRUNCHCRUUNCHCRNCRNUNCHUNCHUNCH…you know: the sound of 100 gigantic praying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating their unions with 100 hard-headed husbands.
WIDE SHOT: Living room. Anna and Beth exchange fabulous glares as each does some weird but awesome Super Saiyan-like maneuver before hurling the Doritos.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of living room. Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air. They instantly disappear and a bag of
appears, hovering just long enough to be recognized.
BACK AND FORTH: As Anna’s and Beth’s scowls increase to OVER LEVEL 9000!
WIDE SHOT: The two warriors rush forward and meet at center-screen, dual-wielding Nacho Cheeses and Cool Ranches! DOUBLE Blade Lock, edge-perpendicular-to-edge!
ANNA: “Treasure be mine!”
BETH: “My booty!”
The gladiators’ struggle forces them into movements and postures as titillating as possible without being obvious about it…
FADE TO BLACK. A beat.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Apparently the fight lasted for hours. The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone. Empty Doritos bags are everywhere. The household cat has one stuck to her back.
Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa: disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy. The Doritos prize is between them. Cathy places a hand on the shoulder of each weary warrior.
CATHY: “Doritos Draw!”
As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER DORY and EMMA. One has a Nacho Cheese bag, the other Cool Ranch. They REACT to the prize Doritos.
DORY and EMMA: “Ooooh, new flavor!”
CATHY: “You will fight for them!”
Anna and Beth’s heads sag.
Dueling position. Two teams, four babes, back-to-back to back-to-back. SLOW FADE as they begin to stride. A Doritos Logo appears onscreen.
SFX: “KOMBAT KATHY” (off-screen): “You will fight for them!”