Not trying to do the director’s job by spelling out where the focus is, or calling for wide or narrow shots. I’m just following my mental movie, and why I think certain things should be a certain way to make it as crazy out there as it is in here.

I also realize, when describing how practical effects can be achieved, that you are all more experienced at this than me. I’m working it out to make sure I don’t saddle you with things that can’t be done in our time allowed.  Maybe saving you a little time.

With all this stuff as a reference, I’ll make the script as readable as possible.  That said, here’s what’s bubbling in my brain, and sometimes why:

A few seconds of Dorito-hurling at an insane speed, back-and-forth between Anna and Beth:

Focus is on the hands: one holding each Dorito bag to the camera, one tossing the chip.  The quicker each shot, the better.  I’m talking hopefully using 6 frames per shot (a quarter-second) if that works.  Fewer are even better.  I’m talking the edited shots, of course.  If you can film usable scenes in 6-frame bursts, you really ought to be ruling Hollywood, Barry Allen.

The fewer frames needed for each Dorito toss, the more variety of Doritos and thus the better our sucking up to Frito Lay.   Also we WANT the throwing speed to seem as insanely fast as possible.  THIS IS DORITOS FU!  So ladies, throw those things as fast as you can.

Since the torso will also be in the shot, it’s up to you gals to determine if bosom movement is worth including. As children will be watching, though, we need plausible jiggle/heave deniability.

Widen the shots to include the face? Dunno if it’ll work, you’ll have to try it.  It might look a bit off or it might look fantastic.  If it does work, remember that Screw Reality is totally in play.  So you might change blouses between shots, alter your hairstyle, etc.  Nothing too blatant; we can’t overwhelm people from noticing that every single toss is of a different kind of Dorito.  Because of the suck-uppery.

A few moments of a ridiculous fusillade of chips criss-crossing the room.

The final moment of this should have as many Doritos in Flight as possible. So, a wide enough shot to give room for that, narrow enough to ensure the flights all begin and end off-screen.   Get everyone on set who can throw a chip to Play Ball!  Get as nice assortment of different colors as possible.  I’d say toss some 3Ds into the mix for even more variety, but they probably won’t fly far enough.

We should probably work up to that moment, though. Two chips passing each other, then cut to Anna and Beth catching them.  Then four, and the catches.

A beat, so they can glare at each other. Cut back to the medium shot and then seventeen dozen Doritos in Space!  Or whatever you can manage.  Maybe even a full second of that exchange, with everyone throwing as fast as they can.  Add SFX as the chips fly off-screen, which of course they must.  And pray they don’t hit each other, at least noticeably, because we have an awesome sight gag for when that happens.

Anna and Beth catching the Doritos in their mouths.  

Anyone else think this will be the tricky one? Two of you are gonna take a lot of chips to the face, from presumably close range.  Mind the eyes!

And, it won’t look right if you’re not moving. Maybe tilt the head to the left until you catch one.  Mark that position, then start from there each time in subsequent shots until you catch the next.  And so on.

For the massive artillery barrage we just bang out the SFX “chip crunches” as Doritos go off-screen. If we have different sounding Crunch Sound Files, excellent.  And if the audio permits and it sounds right, overlay them, play with the volume, etc. It’d be awesome if we could get audio that’s as insane as the video.

Doritos Collisions spontaneously forming from Doritos collisions.

After the insane artillery moment,

CUT TO: more staring daggers at each other.  Then another quick throw from each.

CUT TO: The space between them.  The wider the shot, the more awesome the “Shooting a Bullet with another Bullet” shtick.  The narrower, of course, the more likely that you actually pull it off.

Whenever and however you make it happen, be sure to note where the collision occurs. Cut away and cut back to the same setup, only now a bag of Doritos Collisions…

doritos collisions

… hovers in the air.  Hopefully it will be easy to attach to an outstretched rod that’s hidden from the camera by the bag.

If you can make it drop to the ground after a moment, that’s probably perfect. How you can do it without the trick being seen, I have no idea.  Doesn’t matter.  If we have a beat long enough that the audience can read the bag, then cut away, that’ll make an impression.

That gag is so fantastic, it’s probably worth doubling down. After all, the gals haven’t dual-wielded yet:

CUT TO: Wide shot, Anna and Beth glare the glaringest glares that have ever been glared.  Each now has a Dorito in each hand.  They throw them at the same time.

CUT TO: (If it’s too hard to arrange two sets of simultaneous collisions—and it probably is—just cut to two midair Collisions.)

The Lasagna/Garbanzo/Beef Tamale-flavored Doritos.

I’m guessing you’d like to incorporate the LGBT rainbow Doritos. They have to be specially ordered, so they’ll need very fast shipping.  Otherwise we’ll have to ask around or call in favors.

The shout-out to them should be subtle if we’re trying to get as many votes as possible. Sure, a large majority of the folks making and seeing these videos won’t be bothered.  But some will, and it’s also possible that Frito Lay doesn’t want any controversy on Super Sunday.

I’d go with something along these lines–when one of the two battlers is in a “Gotta catch ‘em all! With my mouth!” shot:


A purple Dorito flies at Anna. She catches it between her teeth, quickly takes it out and admires it.

Anna: “Pretty!”

Then chomp!  And on to the next frenetic shot.

If we do the Third Degree Burn gag on Beth, this also keeps them balanced out. Then again, “balance” means that Anna gets a pretty Dorito and Beth gets a mouthful of Habanero Hell.  So maybe Anna should be the one who has to deep-throat an entire Dorito Locos Taco.

About deep-throating an entire Dorito Locos Taco.

I just think this bit would be hilarious and memorable, because so unexpected. Since we want to keep escalating, I’m not sure yet exactly where it would fit yet.  For now let’s say it’s after the Collisions:

WIDE SHOT– both fighters. If looks could kill.  Beth reaches behind her back, crouching slightly.  Anna’s eyes narrow.


A Doritos Locos Taco sails majestically through the air and off-screen. SFX:  whatever deep-throating an entire taco sounds like.  I wouldn’t know.


Anna (cheeks and eyes bulging): “Nod fah!”—i.e., “Not fair!”

“CATHY” (off-screen): “Allowed because funny!”


A Doritos Locos Tacos rockets across from Anna’s side and off-screen.  SFX:  Like before, only more so.

About the pacing.

If the fight goes 20-seconds, I’m guessing…maybe eight seconds of the crazy insane quarter-second cuts (or less!) and twelve or so seconds of punch lines, the “long” one-to-two second scenes. Yes, this is definitely the director’s job.  I’m just trying to provide plenty of material for the director’s touch.

Yes, I’m boiling all this down into a script over the weekend.  Then it’s on to writing “The Making of DORITOS FU” video.

About wormme

I've accepted that all of you are socially superior to me. But no pretending that any of you are rational.
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  1. Edohiguma says:

    What the….

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