INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game. Each has a different bag of Doritos; one, the classic Nacho Cheese, the other Cool Ranch.
Beth: “You die!”
Something drops onto the coffee table: BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!
ANNA and BETH: “Ooooh, new flavor!
WIDEN SHOT: A third hottie, CATHY, stares sternly. Her lips begin moving, but her voice only starts a second later, like a badly-dubbed martial art flick.
CATHY: “You will fight for them!”
(Her voice sounds exactly like a homicidal male maniac from Mortal Kombat. Or, even better, George Takei having a blast.)
Anna and Beth exchange looks.
BETH: “How does she do that?”
WIDE SHOT: Center of living room. Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duelists. Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.
The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl their Doritos like throwing stars! Each then catches the other’s chip in her mouth.
A beat, as they lock gazes.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of living room. Four chips sail into view, two from each side. They fly off-screen.
CLOSE ON: Beth. She casually catches both chips, one-two.
CLOSE ON: Anna. Likewise.
MEDIUM SHOT: Middle living room. This time a total of eight chips fly, four each way.
CLOSE ON: Beth. She catches them one-two-three-wait the fourth is a purple Dorito! She catches it with lips and tongue and quickly examines it.
She chomps it with gusto.
CLOSE ON: Anna. She likewise catches them, one-two-three-four, but on the last one her eyes fly wide, a shocked expression.
MEDIUM SHOT: Between Beth and Cathy. Beth smirks as she holds up a bag of THIRD DEGREE BURN Doritos. This, as Cathy speaks with her badly-dubbed voice in an Asian male’s accent.
CLOSE ON: Anna. A beat, to admire her furious glare. Then she throws 8 chips in less than 2 seconds. Her speed is so superhuman she exchanges Doritos bags between each throw and every chip is a different variety.
CLOSE ON: Beth. Likewise. In fact, they may be so fast that with every throw they’re also changing jewelry, hair clips, and other bits of bling. It’s hard to tell.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of room. Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions. As increasing numbers fly off-screen,
SFX: crunch crunchcrunch CRunchunchcrUNCH UNCHCRUNCRRRNNNNCHHH…
…you know. The sound of 100 gargantuan preying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating marriage with their 100 hard-headed husbands. There’s probably an app for that.
WIDE SHOT: Living room. A beat, showcasing glares between Anna and Beth that would be Kryptonite’s…er, Kryptonite.
Then each does some weird mystical but awesome hand-wavy thing with her chip hand, before hurling the Dorito.
MEDIUM SHOT: Center of living room. Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air. They instantly disappear and a bag of Doritos Collisions appears in their place, hovering.
WIDE SHOT: Living room. Another beat, as Anna and Beth super-Saiyan their glares to OVER LEVEL 9000!
They’re also dual-wielding chips, which they undulate about in a super-
sexy Saiyan manner. They throw!
MEDIUM SHOT: You know where. Two brand new bags of Doritos Collisions hover in mid-air.
WIDE SHOT: C’mon. A beat, as Anna and Beth glare the glaringest glares that will ever be glared in glaring history.
Then Beth crouches slightly as she reaches behind her back. Anna tenses, eyes narrowing. Beth whips her arm around…
MEDIUM SHOT: Living room center, duh. A single Doritos Locos Taco arches serenely across the POV and then off-screen. SFX: The sound of an entire taco being deep-throated within a split second. Can’t describe it, wouldn’t know.
MEDIUM SHOT: Between Anna and Cathy.
ANNA (cheeks and eyes bulging): “NOD FAIH!”
“CATHY”: “Acceptable because funny!”
MEDIUM SHOT: Center living room. A beat, then a Doritos Locos Taco rockets from Anna’s side and passes off-screen like a missile. SFX: Like just before, only more so. But maybe with a big GULPING sound too, since Beth must clear her throat in order to ready herself for…
…the two warriors rushing toward each other and meeting at center-screen, dual-wielding Doritos Dinamitas! They clash! DOUBLE Blade Lock!
ANNA: “Doritos be mine!”
They test each other, perhaps exchanging quips and double entendres which escape me at the moment. And doubtless the conflict forces each into movements and postures exactly as titillating as is permissible by the FCC for a SuperBowl broadcast…
FADE TO BLACK. A beat.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Yes, apparently the fight lasted for hours. The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone. Empty Doritos bags are everywhere; one is even draped over the head of the household cat.
Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa: disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy. The prized Doritos bag is between them. Cathy places both their hands on the bag.
CATHY: “Perfect Draw!”
As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER two more hot young things, DORY and EMMA. They REACT to the Doritos.
DORY and EMMA: “Oooooh, new flavor!”
CATHY: “You will fight for them!”
Anna and Beth’s heads sag.
MEDIUM SHOT: It’s the center of the living room, people! Geez!
Two teams, four babes, back-to-back in duelist positions. As they stride away a SLOW FADE begins and a word appears: DORITOS. Then beneath, in smaller font,: You Will Fight For Them!
SFX: CATHY/KOMBAT PSYCHO/GEORGE TAKEI ON AMPHETAMINES (off-screen): “You will fight for them!”