Help! I am being held prisoner in a neutron factory!

It is now Day Ten of “Techs Held Hostage”.  This message was written furtively; there’s a 50-50 chance that Warden Schrödinger is watching.  Rumor has it that he has attached a cyanide bomb to one of the quintillions of radioactive atoms that surround us on all sides.  When it goes “boom”…we go “gasp”.  Followed by a thud.      

All would seem lost if not that Obamacare supporters continue to exist.  As tired and hopeless as I feel right now, they assure me that by working together we can even overcome the Laws of Thermodynamics!  If only I could believe that…

If you don’t hear from me again, I’ve probably elected to exit this wretched plane on my own terms.  I have chosen The Other One and its unique way of forgetting one’s current woes:

Sean’s Spicy Burger 5.50  (Spicy brown mustard, chipotle mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, sautéed habanero, jalapeno, serano and ghost chili peppers) ****WARNING this is REALLY HOT****

About wormme

I've accepted that all of you are socially superior to me. But no pretending that any of you are rational.
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20 Responses to Help! I am being held prisoner in a neutron factory!

  1. wdydfae says:

    Man, that sounds good.

  2. Xpat says:

    Dang, that sounds good.

  3. Xpat says:


    Ignore that silly man who commented first. An imposter! An imposter, I tell you!

  4. wdydfae says:

    Death of a User Name, Part II: Last Call

    A Short Play in One Act

    (The shadowy form of wdydfae slips into the dark room. Xpat’s voice comes from chair in far corner. As he speaks stage lights slowly come on, illuminating he and wdydfae. The rest of the room remains in shadows.)

    Xpat: So, you finally came. I knew you would.

    wdydfae: Ah. Lost the element of surprise, have I? No matter.

    Xpat: I know what you did.
    [Part I here: ]

    wdydfae: And you haven’t armed yourself?

    Xpat: We’re not allowed to here. You know that. By the way, how the hell did you get yours over here?

    wdydfae: It doesn’t concern you.

    Xpat: (Shrugs.) So, is this where you give me your speech about how you have to “consolidate” and make things “tidy” and how I’m a “loose end” and how I’ve–what was it? Oh, yes–“outlived my usefulness?”

    wdydfae: On the contrary. The last such exchange was excessive in length. I found it tiresome.

    Xpat: Yeah, I heard that one ended that one with kind of a loss of composure on your end.

    wdydfae: Loss of comp– (fights to suppress rising irritation) It ended as planned. The only “loss” was a loss of life. (snickers)

    Xpat: One? Or maybe two. One died. And another died inside.

    wdydfae: Oh, please.

    Xpat: Yeah, died inside, but maybe not completely. Maybe not till this is over.

    wdydfae: Oh, please, please, PLEASE.

    Xpat: But it’s true. Every time you kill one of us, part of you dies. Wanderer was only a few months old. But me, I’ve been me since Fukushima.

    wdydfae: Awww. Widdo not even two year old baby wants to wiv wiv.

    Xpat: You’re not even two WEEKS old.

    wdydfae: It doesn’t MATTER how old we are! Don’t you see? It doesn’t matter if I’m two days old or two hours old or two minutes old. We’re not REAL!

    Xpat: Hey, no ontological confusion on my side, buddy. I’m not the one going around killing aliases. You seem pretty obsessed about it for someone who doesn’t think we’re real.

    wdydfae: Just because we’re not real doesn’t mean we have to be mish mash of fragmented identities like a, like a puddle of vomit with pieces of corn and salami and unidentifiable sludge all mixed together in some unidentifiable mush!

    Xpat: Here we go. Here we go. The “I have to clean things up” speech. I knew it was coming.

    wdydfae: Enough. But there’s another reason. A practical reason. It’s not easy anymore.

    Xpat: (Sighs wearily.) Not easy doing what? Spelling your unspellable name?

    wdydfae: I will ignore that for now. No, it is not EASY because I’m a registered user now. Remember when we used to just sign in as “Xpat” and comment away like a happy little pig in proverbial poop. But we can’t do that any longer, my friend. Oh, no. Now I try to comment as you. And it says I’m not logged in. And then I log in, and the comment I originally wrote with your name goes in with my name, because I forgot to change it back after I logged in. And then I have to beg Worme to delete my posts which are sitting waiting to be moderated because the name is new and he has no idea who “I” am, and the posts that are supposed to be from you are going in with the wrong name. And it goes on and on like this. And, to summarize, you’re simply a nuisance, old boy. A cumbersome encumbrance. You are dead weight. A pain in the posterior .

    Xpat: Well, well. It sure is tough being a big time blogger, isn’t it? And that reminds me, how are your internals looking, Mr. WordPress? Huh? Still getting those hits and likes and comments and follows? Huh?

    wdydfae: Shut up.

    Xpat: Oh, wait, I just checked. Four visitors yesterday! Wow! You’re really tearing up the blogosphere, aren’t you?

    wdydfae: Shut up! Four visitors but much more than four views. But yes, I had a fairly poor day, relatively speaking.

    Xpat: You’ve been having a lot of “poor days.” In fact, it looks like every day’s a little “poorer” than the one before. In fact, your stats look like a ski slope from Aspen to the Gulf of Mexico. Not looking so great, Wuhd Yuhd Fay.

    wdydfae: Don’t use that NAME! Wanderer offered some wisecracks on the subject, and it did not end well for him, I assure you.

    Xpat: Shut up or you’ll kill me? I thought you were going to kill me anyway. Look, face it, nobody can say your name. Nobody can write your name. Nobody wants to read you or write comments to you. And nobody wants to look at a bunch of f****g music Youtubes when they can go to Youtube and just find the sh*t they like by themselves.

    wdydfae: Enough of this! Prepare to meet you maker, you impertinent wretch!

    Xpat: I had a little advance warning. Remember? I got that sh*t taken care of already.

    wdydfae: All the better, then. So, no blubbering prayers to the Almighty? No sickeningly sanctimonious “Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does”? Hm?

    Xpat: I’m not Wanderer. Wanderer was just a kid.

    wdydfae: Ah. And what am I then, a mewling newborn?

    Xpat: If you were I could feel something for you, Whudid Fay. But the fact is you’re a fetid, misshapen little stillborn freak. That’s what you are. You’ve got no life. No imagination. You’re an empty shell stalking around stoked up by some f****d up fantasy about some already dying piece of cyberspace that’ll be totally empty in a few months. And you’ll log in. And check the stats every day. And tap your fingers. And then the emptiness will start to sink in. And then you’ll just stare at the monitor. And your mind will finally just totally go. And then you’ll babble to yourself and you won’t know who you are or where you are or even that you exist. And–

    wdydfae: How dare you? How Dare you!?! HOW DARE YOU!?!?!? DIE NOOOOOWWWWW!

    [Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn!]


    [Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! ]

    (Xpats body convulses as the rounds penetrate. He slides half off the chair. wdydfae comes closer and keeps firing.)


    [Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Pshtn! Click. Click. Click. Click . . . Click . . . . . Click . . . . .]

    (wdydfae stands over Xpat’s body, hyperventilating. Eventually his breathing becomes normal. He wipes his forehead with a handkerchief.)

    wdydfae: He’ll never know how wrong he was, of course. Oh, yes. I’ve got big plans. (Unscrews sound suppressor.)

    wdydfae: Very big plans. (Puts sound suppressor in jacket pocket.)

    wdydfae: Views per hour scale up and down, you know. Four views looks like the time I had thirty because it’s just a little line after all, isn’t it? Just a skinny little line, and you don’t have to know it’s four and not thirty if you don’t run your cursor over it. (Puts gun in shoulder holster.)

    wdydfae: One has to look at the big picture. Like the globe! One visitor from the United States lights up the whole country. A few from there, are few from Asia, a few from Europe. “Poor day” indeed. Why, they span the globe! Imagine getting a new visitor from a new country! That much more of the world lights up. (Moves toward door.)

    wdydfae: Enough countries and most of the world would be watching. (wdydfae exits but voice continues)

    wdydfae: The whole world is watching.

    wdydfae: Yes, the whole world is watching! Indeed! And then, when I’ve established my global audience, then I’ll . . .

    (wdydfae’s crazed voice fades away as his footsteps grow faint.)

  5. wdydfae says:

    I’m sorry for the confusion, Worme! From now on Xpat is wdydfae. I started a blog a couple of weeks ago because Nightskyradio kept encouraging me to. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go (and I didn’t want you to feel obligated to provide pity links!) so I just let it go. But the multiple user names was seriously hard to keep track of! At this point the blog is almost all Youtubes of the wierd music I like, or Japanalia.

    I’m not even sure I’ll get into any of the great polemical issues of the day . . . (Hey, what did the great polemical issues of the day ever do for me?)

    I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m just having fun now. But instead of infesting people’s comment spaces, I can infest my own space!

    • wormme says:

      Okay, I think I’ve finally caught up. You know, you could have just referenced your auto-alias battle with the word “Highlander” and I would have instantly gotten it. “There can be only one.”

      Well, I just added your site to the blogroll. Naturally I’ll remove it if you like, since you may be courting moron traffic rather than trying to drive it off. Which is, admittedly, a much better strategy for actual human beings.

  6. Edohiguma says:

    It’s why you register your name.

  7. wdydfae says:

    It would have been an idea! But at the time I didn’t want to be Xpat when I started “the blog.” I wanted the blog ident as my ident to keep it simple, and I wasn’t sure at the time I was even going to identify myself as an xpat. But I can live with wdydfae now! I just pounded my head on the keys every time I came here and forgot to change my name back. Poor Worme. The stuff he has to put up with.

    I’m already looking back at a few weeks ago with tender nostalgia!

  8. wdydfae says:

    Thanks, Worme! I’d never call myself “Highlander” when Edo was around, because he’d
    cut off my head.

    I’ve been waxing and polishing a spot on my blogroll for you, but I was waiting for the right time, and plus didn’t want you to feel obligated by the bloggers etiquette (which I admit I don’t totally grasp yet).

    I don’t know who my audience is yet (jazz geeks? British Asia pop fans? humor site people? curiosity hits from the manosphere via nightsky?) but I’m sure I’ll disappoint them all eventually.

    • Edohiguma says:

      No, I don’t cut off heads. For once you have to hit pretty well and then it’s quite a mess, you know, with the arterial spray and stuff. Also corpse disposal is always a problem. People tend to freak out for no reason when they see one. Silly people.

      So now I’m using these:

      Very efficient I tell you. And cleaning up afterwards isn’t so much a problem either, after there’s usually not much left of the corpse.

  9. Blake says:

    Very funny, xpat, I mean, wdydfai.

  10. Pingback: I Murdered My Other User Name | What Do You Do for an Encore?

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