Instead she was brutally murdered by Bob Costa’s pal.

Okay, I can’t know that with certainty.  (About her being alive today, that is.  Obviously I can know who killed her.  Bob Costas’ colleague.)  Only an insane narcissist says things like, “If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.”  But of course Bob Costas is an insane narcissist.  At best.

One’s first instinct is that Costas must really hate women and minorities.

The FBI’s National Crime Victimization Survey indicates that by far the safest course of action for women to take when they are confronted by a criminal is to have a gun.

But then I thought about it.  What does the FBI know?  Is arming yourself really safer than sitting between professional bodyguards while riding in NBC limos between airports and stadiums and hotels crawling with both cops and private security?  I don’t think so.  And if the Bob Costas Method can keep Bob Costas safe, by God it will keep anyone safe.  Because…well, look at him.  I mean, damn.  He’s a terrible sportscaster precisely because of that “whinyboy” voice and marshmallow mien.  I dunno, maybe he’s a network god at tennis or badminton or something, but he definitely detracts from sports.

Point is, Bob Costas is to a man what Olive Oyl is to Diana of Themyscira.

Poor Bobby is a hothouse flower, and the jungle’s savagery makes him woozy.  I do agree that guns should be illegal…for him.  He’d wet himself and lose to any ambulatory assailant anyway, and his .40 caliber hysterics/swooning/vapors/fainting would get innocent people hurt.

Costas obviously believes that certain people—cops, bodyguards, security details—should be armed.  But he can’t support amateur gun ownership because a part of him knows that he can’t be trusted.  He knows 1) he’d shoot his own hair stylist for making him look bad, and 2) he’s a better person than flyover Americans.  Therefore legal guns guarantee a dystopian hell of endless cordite and trauma.  That evidence and history rebut his belief, every single time, is immaterial.  Bob Costas knows it’s impossible to murder someone without a gun.

If Nicole Simpson had been armed she’d still be alive and Bob Costas’ buddy would be dead.

Wait a second…Bob Costas’ buddy would be dead!  Hey, that really explains his anti-gun stance.