Uncle, I know this is hard to hear, but…your federal “union” is so tormented that a million Americans want divorce. Forgive my reflexive response:
I’ve wanted this divorce for years, because my pain threshold is very low. I just can’t take the incessant demands, endless complaints, bitter recriminations, spiteful insults, and outright hatred of the Left. And what have Americans done to deserve this?
Fought against a family bankruptcy.
We’ve probably failed. And that’s because you, Uncle Sam, let the wife keep maxing the credit cards. But set finances aside for now. It’s not the primary concern. Heal this marital rift and you will overcome your Leviathan of debt. You’ve done it before.
The problem is…your marriage can’t be saved. Well, you could save it, Uncle. But you won’t. Because your sole hope for domestic peace is to bend Aunt Socialist over your knee and spank your spouse until she remembers who the boss is.*
Your marriage is doomed, Uncle, because…frankly…you’re “P”-whipped. And look at the date! This is the one-hundredth anniversary of your very first “P”-whipping. And after a century of whippings you cringe like a kicked puppy whenever a Progressive says “boo.”
That’s why you don’t have a more perfect union, Sam. You don’t deserve one. And everybody knows it.
Aunt Socialist: “Find me more money!” U.S.: “Yes, dear.”
Aunt Socialist: “Don’t be such a prude!” U.S.: “Yes, dear.”
Aunt Socialist: “I want the cabana boy!” U.S.: “Whatever you say, dear.”
Sure, good marriages require compromise. Here’s the thing, Sam…both sides must do it. If you sacrifice and Aunt Socialist doesn’t, that isn’t “compromise”. The word is “capitulation”.
…will your spouse compromise? Will Aunt Socialist meet you halfway, a quarter-way? Can she tithe one sacrifice to your every ten?
Well, let’s ponder that. America left you in charge of the House because that’s who manages the checkbook. And you’ve reminded your spendthrift wife…again…of the simple truth: we’re flat broke and will go bankrupt unless we cut spending.
Did she grudgingly agree? Or perhaps childishly wheedle you for spending money? No, Sam. Here is your spouse:
It’s a bad marriage, Sam, and your wife is an abuser. Take this “secession” business. It’s not widespread…yet…but it is the first cry of the most desperately wounded spouses.
Gadsden-American: “I’ve begged you over and over to stop hurting me but now I realize you can’t help yourself. So please, please, let’s go our separate ways.”
Progressive-American: “How dare you?! Well, you can go to hell as long as I keep all your stuff. In fact I want my boyfriend to ‘peacefully’ drag you straight to hell!”
Progressives can’t stay calm about divorce because, deep-down, they know they’ll never make it on their own. Aunt Socialist knows you’d thrive without her; she’s also vaguely aware that she can’t boil water without burning down the kitchen.
But make no mistake: your wife hates you, Sam. She’s stayed with you for the money even while she despises you for earning it. Your wife is a slut who’s only turned on by snake-oil salesmen and hard-eyed cruelty and bad-boy attitudes, no matter how pathetic the “bad boy” actually is.
No amount of your bootlicking will make her want you, Sam. Just the opposite. The most you’ll ever get from your selfish bitch wife is respect, and that only by breaking her will.
But because you’re not willing to do that, and since the Left can’t amicably divorce…
(*For the anthropomorphically challenged: “Uncle Sam” is the embodiment of free America, “Aunt Socialist” is statist America. Duh. So, no, I don’t advocate paddle-pain for the addle-brained no matter how much they beg for it. Likewise, patriots like Sarah Palin and Janine Turner are never to spank leftist men. Ever!)