Everyone’s making a big deal out of leftist newspapers backing Romney. But is anyone bothering to actually read the “endorsements”?
Here’s the Register in its original Newspeak. And here is a rough English translation:
We love Obama, who’s completely perfect even though he’s bankrupting the country before we can finish socializing it the way we and Obama want.
But since there’s not the faintest trace of dirt on Romney despite our best efforts, and because he mastered 7th grade math and balanced budgets bigger than a single household and might actually keep America solvent long enough for federalism to finally be destroyed, and especially because he caved to Democrats while governor of Massachusetts and we’re sure we can shame him into it again, we…very reluctantly…endorse Mitt Romney for President as long as he does exactly as he’s told.
He must also accept our hatred and slander of his real supporters, of course.
Naturally this horrible decision came only after vigorous debate, and passed a secret ballot by the narrowest of margins. This allows everyone to deny endorsing Romney personally. And why come to such a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad conclusion? Apparently Americans, and even some Democrats, are very concerned about the economy, jobs, and a balanced budget.
In 2008 and 2009 Obama knew we could safely take over the economy because America always bounces back after a recession. It always, always does…except for this one single time and we don’t know why and it’s not fair! So maybe Romney knows better. But we expect him to follow our economic advice anyway: spend exactly like Obama while balancing the budget.
Romney must also deal with the deficits of Social Security and Medicare while leaving Obamacare unchanged, since he supported a Massachusetts health care plan and any government reduction is unconstitutional.
We do not advocate another “stimulus” because we can’t stand people laughing at us. But since you can’t prove the first one failed, we believe it didn’t. It gave consumers a temporary cash increase, which must increase permanent growth, right? Also “investing” in infrastructure is stimulating even if no actual building, repairing, or improving took place. And since American education has worsened as its costs tripled, the more spent on teachers, the better!
This is how the stimulus achieved our vague after-the-fact goal of bridging us from recession to recovery without accomplishing a single specific thing predicted beforehand.
We believe that impoverished consumers need the confidence to spend money they don’t have to spark investments to increase production to create jobs to hire impoverished consumers who currently have no money.
Also, the Amish could reduce their transportation costs by putting carts before the horse.
Romney’s economic approach is gibberish. That’s why we parrot his common sense philosophy with almost no editorializing. We then repeat idiot arguments diametrically opposed to that position which, again, sounds exactly like the “Wah wah” from adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon.
Republicans rebuffed Obama by letting him ram a veto-proof agenda down America’s throat despite bipartisan opposition. Since that made partisanship worse, Romney must now surrender to Democrats on everything we want.
We are a nation of red states and blue states, which is terrible. Federalism would give us fifty states in fifty different colors, and federalism is evil. Therefore all states must be exactly alike: everything the Des Moines Register Editorial Board wants shall be mandatory, everything else shall be forbidden.
All Republicans, including Romney, are racist, sexist, homophobic, and anti-immigrant. But we’ll pretend otherwise if Romney betrays every ally and ideal as we command.
Voters should realize that the Des Moines Register’s Editorial Board is composed entirely of morons and tyrants. We support Obama’s radical socialism so much that we’d rather sacrifice him than any government control over your life.
This is why we now pretend to support Romney. Just as we pretend to care about the economy. It’s obvious if you read closely. Notice that we only mention Romney proposals: tax and regulatory relief, expanded energy production, rationalized education, sane spending. We don’t demand those things because we hate every single one of them.
You can see where our heart is by word choices like we cannot and we must. We cannot restrict abortion or gay marriage or any other progressive social ideal. We must have open borders and amnesty for illegals and insanely expensive “green” power.
We endorse the evil Romney in full knowledge of our blasphemy. But to all our fellow travelers, nudge nudge wink wink: it’s the good kind of blasphemy. Like when Obama “opposed” gay marriage in the distant past.
And though we endorse Romney now, rest assured: in four years we will vent endless bile and hatred upon him for making us do this.