Wrote quite a bit about the Wednesday nights DNC God-booers yesterday.  Unfortunately it was left overnight in an open file that I neglected to save.  This morning, poof!

(Cliff’s Notes:  Honest and ornery atheists aren’t a problem; a Godless political machine that pretends to piety is.  Get God out of politics and the Democratic Party out of the United States and things will be just fine.)

So now for some of our world-famous, insane linguistic nitpicking…I’M WARNING YOU!  I’m warning you.  That phrase must go.  The decision is final.

“I’m warning you” is used when Party A doesn’t like what Party B  says/does and wishes to extort better behavior from Party B by implying negative reinforcement from Party A should Party B not cease said behavior.  Simple.

But wrong.  I submit that a “warning” requires a third factor, Party C.  This can be a person, thing, event, or anything known to Party B which can be hazardous to Party A.

Example?  Suppose your fire alarm goes off because you drink yourself into a stupor before that skillet full of bacon has finished frying.   The resultant kitchen fire threatens you but does not warn you.  That’s the alarm’s job.

So “I’m warning you (about my crazy uncle)” is fine, but “I’m warning you (about me)” is wrong.  That’s not a warning, it’s a threat.  Maybe.

That’s a “maybe” because (finally!) an interesting question arises.  Imagine that George Clooney said, “wormme, I’m warning you:  bow down to my god Obama or I’ll kick your ass.”

Is that a warning?  We’ve already established that it isn’t.  So it’s a threat, right?  Actually…no.  Not to me, anyway.  And not to you either, assuming you greet his statement with unmitigated delight and beg him to try.  If your response to his “threat” resembles, oh…

“Then attack me when you grow that first pair, bitch!”

…then George Clooney has singularly failed to threaten you.  A threat that fails to threaten is not a threat.  What’s the right name for it?  Wussy + “threat” = weat.  Ugh.

Frailty + threat = “freat”.  Hmm…maybe…I like “fweat” even more, but that sounds like it goes with “wascally wabbit”.

Fweaten me, Geowge Cwooney?!  Bwing it!!

P.S.—Fun fact!  I bet you didn’t know that Arthur stole his battle cry from Clooney: