Please consider voting for the LFSA, the “Let’s Fix Sports!” Act.
Not “fix” as in, “sports are broken and need repair”. Obviously sports are not broken. They are world-wide billion-dollar industries with the most loyal customers, ever.
No, the LFSA “fix” means “picking the winners prior to the competitions”. Think of all the savings!
- Less time!
- Less effort!
- Smaller carbon footprint!
- No more injuries!
Sports will be even more profitable if we eliminate costly expenses like stadiums, equipment and uniforms. Cities will know exactly when to prepare for riots. The benefits are endless!
You wish you’d thought of it, don’t you? Well…to be honest, I kind of stole the idea myself. After seeing governments pick corporate winners and losers I thought, “Heck yes! That’s way more efficient!”
It’s genius. Just look at players’ and fans’ hatred of sports officials. “Blind as a bat!” is the nicest thing anyone ever says to one. But when officials start choosing winners and losers they’ll get respect. Okay, technically it will be deference, not respect…but it feels the same to the recipient. Or so I’ve heard.
Anyway, things would get much better for umps and refs. Much better. Instead of boos and catcalls they’ll be getting cash, cars, money, pre-paid hookers, and moolah. They’ll love it so much that they’ll never go back willingly. If you try to make them, don’t expect your teams to ever win again.
But why would we go back? The number of winners and losers stays the same, doesn’t it? What the LFSA does is to eliminate all that vast effort. No blood and sweat to shed, no bones to mend. Better still, once the LFSA passes anyone can be a professional athlete. Yes, even you! What sport? Any sport you like. Can’t slam-dunk? You can sure suck up. Why practice free throws when you can always brown-nose?
“What’s the downside?” you ask? There is no downside. All we’re doing is giving referees and umpires and game officials total control over outcomes. They are extremely well-trained and competent people, but they have no “skin in the game”. So just imagine how much better they’d perform if they had a personal stake in the competition.
Just think about it. The “Let’s Fix Sports!” Act.
My payment for this awesome idea? It’s quite modest. I just want the Alabama Crimson Tide to go undefeated and win the college football championship.
Worm, have you been studying local politics? There was a little kerfuffle about cricket being not quite cricket recently, with certain teams being given “incentives” to arrange a certain result and a certain score.
No, it’s a happy coincidence! As the saying goes, parody is impossible.