Medical malaprops.

A co-worker shared the following list.  It’s pretty good.  Perhaps you’ll agree that #17 is by far the most frightening: 

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

About wormme

I've accepted that all of you are socially superior to me. But no pretending that any of you are rational.
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10 Responses to Medical malaprops.

  1. Edohiguma says:

    Well, after doctors here, in our nationalized health care paradise, tried to start my grandmother on anti-coagulants 2 weeks before surgery I’m not really surprised by this display of ridiculous incompetence (hint: this is a 100% contraindication, you don’t start a patient about to go into surgery on medication that, basically, thins his blood and makes coagulation harder, the last thing you want on the table is someone who doesn’t stop bleeding.)

    They also put her on medication to lower her blood pressure, because there were a few spikes while she was in hospital. Now I should note that first of my family has a history of low pressure, and secondly my grandma is 82 and not well versed in medical things and was in for breast cancer surgery, so she was understandably nervous, leading to a spike in blood pressure. Needless to say she actually was punched down pretty badly by those meds, which is no real surprise, if you give someone with natural low pressure meds to lower it even further…

    They also told her she can only go home if she’d take a certain examination. That was when I almost called my lawyer. Luckily my mother was there too and she can be more diplomatic than me.

  2. SeanB says:

    I can share another, that was written on a snag sheet I got along with the computer in question. It read “First bomb fell on target”.

  3. Edohiguma says:

    I have something for you to facepalm at:

  4. Edohiguma says:

    More facepalming for your pleasure:

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