World's Only Rational Man

In the analog days, Cracked magazine never quite had the cachet of Mad.  (“Cachet” perhaps not being the appropriate word.)   But Cracked online is one of the funniest sites on the InterWeb.  It is also surprisingly informative and inexplicably accessible through my employer’s firewall (ie., beware of adult themes and language).

So…here ya go.  The stupidest sea vessel of all time was American.  A WWII ship sooooo unbelievably stupid it could never pass for fiction.  I’m happy it didn’t accidentally murder Roosevelt…I guess…but only because it was about fifteen years too late.

Working this weekend, for a fellow tech whose wife just had serious surgery.  It’s pretty slow here right now.  Unfortunately I still can’t do much blogging, because, well…what is there to say? 

The U.S. government is enslaving each of us another $4,500 this year, chaining us down with individual debt of over $50,000 per person.  So what’s the big topic of conversation?  The moral necessity of providing “free” contraception to women.  “Free”.  Free!  Our self-worshipping idiot of a President uses the word “free” while discussing economic matters…and gets away with it.   

Tanstaafl tanstaafl TANSTAAFL!  This calls for an open letter: 

Dear Lil’ Barack,

Where did the babysitters go?  Are all of Washington’s grown-ups gone?  It sounds like there’s no one left but you and your widdle friends, all playing make believe.  And that’s some imagination you have!  You’re Basketball’s Bestest and the Superest Salesman and the Awesomest Assassin and everything else all at once!  I bet you could play Cowboys and Indians by yourself and win both sides!

The problem, lil’ feller, is that now you’re promising ”free” things to other children.  That’s not nice, and you have to stop.  There are no ”free” things, all because of those Thermo Meanies.  I know, you want to beat them up like you did Big bin Bad Laden.  You sure killed him, wheee! 

But Barack…there’s a difference between a psycho renal-failing fugitive and the Laws of Thermodynamics.  Please don’t pout.  You still have lots of things to play with!  But the physical constraints and limitations of the universe, they’re…well, they’re just not toys.

If you want to keep telling stories, Barack, you should listen to Malachai Nicolle’s!  He writes Axe Cop and is seven years old!  So if you try really hard maybe years from now your stories will be as exciting and believable as Malachai’s.  

I’m sorry if that makes you cry.  But telling people you can give them “free” things isn’t very nice.  Now have a safe and happy childhood, and good luck growing up!

This essay, combined with the previous post, provides a Master’s Degree in Debating.    Seriously.  Grasp the concept firmly enough and you can even master debate yourself.  (If your mind isn’t in the gutter.)

In the earlier post I claimed that debate is judo, not swordplay.  But that’s in theory.  In practice it is swordplay, not judo.  Confusing?  Sorry.  But good debate is like two combatants going at it Florentine style.

Currently Obama and the HHS use one weapon, Catholics and 1^st Amendment folks  another.  It’s “women’s health” versus “free exercise of religion”.   

(Full disclosure–my personal belief is:  freedom is more important than making adults do things for their own good.)

Readers here probably all agree with that axiom.  But others don’t.  If they did, Obama and Kathleen Sebelius would be on our side , not opposing it.  So here’s a “Pro Tip”:  never counter your opponent’s argument with yours.   It’s a complete waste of time.  Instead: 

Make your opponent adopt your argument before you use it. 

How do you do that?  By conceding.  Acknowledge the worth of their argument, take it…and beat them to death with it. 

“Women’s health is more important that Constitutionally protected rights?  Yes, I see! Then given the rise of drug-resistant gonorrea and other STDs…it’s time to stringently regulate sex.  Agreed?  The health benefits will be millions of times greater than for mandatory Catholic contraception.  And sexual freedom isn’t even guaranteed by the Constitution!”

Statists’ lies constantly change, but the statists themselves are perfectly consistent.  That’s why after an entire century the “Florentine” shouldn’t even be a considered response.  It should be a reflex.  What is it in actuality?  Non-existent.  That is why patriots like Ryan and West are stupid (by Master Debater standards).  A non-idiot Congressman would immediately introduce the SSTDN (Stop Sexually Transmitted Diseases Now) Bill and give all the credit to Obama and Sebelius.  They’ve claimed health is more important than freedom.  Well, then.   SSTDN legislation includes a partner registry, mandatory STD testing, compulsory disclosure of illnesses, etc etc. 

Sebelius claims nebulous “health” benefits outrank the 1^st Amendment.  We counter with specific and vastly greater benefits without infringing the Constitution.  What is Chatty Kathy’s next move?

Well, she has only one option.  (Okay, two, but ad hominem attacks are a given…you misogynistic Puritan.)  Her only play is to grab our weapon: “Freedom!  Privacy!”  You know, all the crap she ignores when it interferes with bullying Catholics.

Back you come: “Kathy, Barack, first you said health is more important than liberty, now you say it isn’t. Which is it?!”

You see why I call debate a Florentine swordfight?  (Well, it would be…if Earth had more than one “Master Debater”.  Which remains an unfortunate label.)  Western statists believe both that Catholicism is subject to federal regulation and that sluts and man-whores must be free to spread disease.

This “health overrules liberty” argument applies to any walk of life, so be careful with satirical suggestions!  For example, please don’t sarcastically propose the national Food Corps, complete with Obesity Police.  Yes, once it was too outlandish to even be laughable.  But today they would call it ‘bipartisan”.  Know thy enemy!

There you have it.  The Theory and Practice of Debate.  Become expert and you won’t even need to bother with your own arguments anymore.  Just take your opponent’s and beat him to death with it.  Whatever he uses for defense, take that, too.  And so on. 

Work at it long enough and someday you’ll be master debating all night long…just like me!

I’m honestly trying to become more ignorant of current events.  This is to both minimize my anger and not take it out on readers.

And taking a break showed me why my rage is skyrocketing.  There’s no relief valve for pressure because our government has no sympathetic characters.  The Democratic Party is totalitarian.  The Republican Party is mostly totalitarian, with a few–a very few–liberty-loving individuals… 

…who are infuriatingly stupid.  (The exceptions that prove the rule are Paul Ryan and Allen West.  Marco Rubio, by briefly supporting SOPA, showed that he’s susceptible to the Beltway Bubble and will be cheerfully expanding government in a few short years.)

Ryan and West aren’t enragingly stupid.  They’re just stupid.  And by “stupid”, I mean in the pitifully small arena where I claim supremacy:  logical debate.  Detecting, exposing, and destroying fallacious arguments and self-contradictions.

That’s right.  I am the Alex of Argumentation and you…my precious little devotchkas and malchicks…are my “droogs of debate”.

So who’s up for a bit of the ol’ rhetorical ultraviolence?  Gooly to where the dratsing is…The Case of the Catholic Condom Controversy!

(Dropping the Nadsat now.  Dobby?)

How do Obama and the HHS defend their attack on the 1st Amendment?  “Women’s Health!”  How do moron freedom fighters respond?  By citing the First Amendment!  Listen, beloved idiots:  our enemies do not care about the 1^st Amendment.  Your first clue?  THEY’RE WIPING THEIR BUTTS WITH IT. 

You know who else I feel like, besides a ruthless sadist?  Casey Stengel. Managing the brand-new NY Mets in 1962, he issued one of history’s most forlorn cries:

Can’t anybody here play this game?

Well?  Can’t anybody here play this game?  If there are any great debaters in the English tongue, they’re not making public appearances.  Take Ann Coulter.  When she’s not mesmerized by Mitt (“Hypno-Toad”) Romney, she’s one of the sharpest commenters out there.  Yet even Ann is only half competent:

This isn’t a Catholic issue or even a religious issue.  Conservatives are falling into the Democrats’ trap by denouncing it as such. It’s a freedom issue.

Ann sees and understands more than most while falling into the same exact trap. She either doesn’t know how to debate or, for some insane reason, refuses to do so.   She fights like a duellist; parry, thrust, riposte.  You can win that way…if your skill is superior…and you have honest opponents…and judges…and the rules are respected. 

Is that the case here?

There is only one proper strategy for debate.  Use it, and you will never lose.  In fact you’ll find that intellectual combat goes something like this physical “fight”:

It’s not a perfect analogy, but it showed the appropriate ruthlessness.  Because here is the Alpha and Omega of debate:

Beat your enemy to death with his own weapon. 

Debate is judo, not swordplay. 

(Tomorrow: we yank Kathleen Sebelius’s weapon away and beat her to death with it!)

We’ve had an insane Monday-Wednesday workweek so far.  I was going to show you the heavy neutron meter I’ve been lugging about for two days, but apparently the Eberline ASP2e with 9″ poly rem-ball is only available on ebay lately.

So, tired and unlikely to blog much tonight, I’ll share more stuff from our crazy lady tech.

The top 31 things that you will never hear a Southern boy say:

31. When I retire, I’m movin’ North.

30. Oh I just couldn’t. She’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

18. Who gives a rat’s ass who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9.  My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

8.  I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7.  Checkmate

6.  She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

5.  Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

4.  I don’t have a favorite college team.

3.  You guys.

2.  Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae…..darlin’

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1.  Nope, no more for me. I’m driving!

Finally, I just this moment realized that the most terrifying phrase imaginable is “HULK F**K!”