Mini-and-maxi-Me.

Saw this on YouTube.  Obviously, given my pen name, it had to be posted here as well:

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Snack Fu: “You Will Fight For Them!”

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game.  Each has a different bag of Doritos:  Anna has Nacho Cheese, Beth has Cool Ranch.

Anna:  “Die!

Beth:  “You die!”

Something drops onto the coffee table:  BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!

ANNA and BETH:   “Ooooh, new flavor!

WIDEN SHOT:  CATHY stares at them sternly.  Cathy’s lips move in shapes that don’t match her words, which start a moment later like in a badly-dubbed martial arts flick.

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

(Her voice is that of a homicidal-sounding Asian man.)

ANNA:  “How does she do that?”

WIDE SHOT:  Center of living room.  Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duellists.  Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.

Cathy claps twice; the sound definitely doesn’t match her hands.  The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl Doritos like throwing stars!  Each catches the other’s chip in her mouth.  A beat, as they lock gazes.

CLOSE ON:  Anna.  She flings four Nacho Cheese in about a second.

CLOSE ON: Beth.  Likewise, except three Cool Ranch, one something else.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Middle living room.  Eight chips flash past in opposite directions.

EIGHT ALTERNATING QUICK SHOTS:  Beth and Anna making increasingly crazy catches. Such as: simple catch, martial arts crane position, diving horizontally, backflip, somersault, standing on head, etc.  The crazier the better.

CLOSE ON:  Anna, catching the last of the eight chips. Her eyes fly wide, she briefly shudders.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Between Beth and Cathy.  Beth smirks, holding up:

Doritos-Burn3

Meanwhile Cathy mouths several rapid-fire Badly-Dubbed-Asian-Male syllables.

CATHY:  “Burn!”

CLOSE ON:   Anna.  A beat, to admire her furious glare.  Then she throws 8 more Nacho Cheese even faster than before.  She’s gotten so fast she may be changing jewelry, hair clips, and other accessories between each throw.  It’s hard to tell.

CLOSE ON:  Beth.  Likewise with Cool Ranch.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of room.  Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions.  As increasing numbers fly off-screen,

SFX:  CRUNCHCRUUNCHCRNCRNUNCHUNCHUNCH…you know:  the sound of 100 gigantic praying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating their unions with 100 hard-headed husbands.

WIDE SHOT:  Living room.  Anna and Beth exchange fabulous glares as each does some weird but awesome Super Saiyan-like maneuver before hurling the Doritos.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of living room.  Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air.  They instantly disappear and a bag of

doritos collisions

appears, hovering just long enough to be recognized.

BACK AND FORTH:  As Anna’s and Beth’s scowls increase to OVER LEVEL 9000!

WIDE SHOT:  The two warriors rush forward and meet at center-screen, dual-wielding Nacho Cheeses and Cool Ranches!  DOUBLE Blade Lock, edge-perpendicular-to-edge!

ANNA:  “Treasure be mine!”

BETH:  “My booty!”

The gladiators’ struggle forces them into movements and postures as titillating as possible without being obvious about it…

FADE TO BLACK.  A beat.

CUT TO:

INT. – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Apparently the fight lasted for hours.  The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone.  Empty Doritos bags are everywhere.  The household cat has one stuck to her back.

Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa:  disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy.  The Doritos prize is between them.  Cathy places a hand on the shoulder of each weary warrior.

CATHY:  “Doritos Draw!”

As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER DORY and EMMA.  One has a Nacho Cheese bag, the other Cool Ranch.  They REACT to the prize Doritos.

DORY and EMMA:   “Ooooh, new flavor!”

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

Anna and Beth’s heads sag.

CUT TO:

Dueling position.  Two teams, four babes, back-to-back to back-to-back.  SLOW FADE as they begin to stride.  A Doritos Logo appears onscreen.

SFX:  “KOMBAT KATHY” (off-screen):  “You will fight for them!”

FIN

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THE BATTLE—ACTUAL SHOTS AND EFFECTS:

Not trying to do the director’s job by spelling out where the focus is, or calling for wide or narrow shots. I’m just following my mental movie, and why I think certain things should be a certain way to make it as crazy out there as it is in here.

I also realize, when describing how practical effects can be achieved, that you are all more experienced at this than me. I’m working it out to make sure I don’t saddle you with things that can’t be done in our time allowed.  Maybe saving you a little time.

With all this stuff as a reference, I’ll make the script as readable as possible.  That said, here’s what’s bubbling in my brain, and sometimes why:

A few seconds of Dorito-hurling at an insane speed, back-and-forth between Anna and Beth:

Focus is on the hands: one holding each Dorito bag to the camera, one tossing the chip.  The quicker each shot, the better.  I’m talking hopefully using 6 frames per shot (a quarter-second) if that works.  Fewer are even better.  I’m talking the edited shots, of course.  If you can film usable scenes in 6-frame bursts, you really ought to be ruling Hollywood, Barry Allen.

The fewer frames needed for each Dorito toss, the more variety of Doritos and thus the better our sucking up to Frito Lay.   Also we WANT the throwing speed to seem as insanely fast as possible.  THIS IS DORITOS FU!  So ladies, throw those things as fast as you can.

Since the torso will also be in the shot, it’s up to you gals to determine if bosom movement is worth including. As children will be watching, though, we need plausible jiggle/heave deniability.

Widen the shots to include the face? Dunno if it’ll work, you’ll have to try it.  It might look a bit off or it might look fantastic.  If it does work, remember that Screw Reality is totally in play.  So you might change blouses between shots, alter your hairstyle, etc.  Nothing too blatant; we can’t overwhelm people from noticing that every single toss is of a different kind of Dorito.  Because of the suck-uppery.

A few moments of a ridiculous fusillade of chips criss-crossing the room.

The final moment of this should have as many Doritos in Flight as possible. So, a wide enough shot to give room for that, narrow enough to ensure the flights all begin and end off-screen.   Get everyone on set who can throw a chip to Play Ball!  Get as nice assortment of different colors as possible.  I’d say toss some 3Ds into the mix for even more variety, but they probably won’t fly far enough.

We should probably work up to that moment, though. Two chips passing each other, then cut to Anna and Beth catching them.  Then four, and the catches.

A beat, so they can glare at each other. Cut back to the medium shot and then seventeen dozen Doritos in Space!  Or whatever you can manage.  Maybe even a full second of that exchange, with everyone throwing as fast as they can.  Add SFX as the chips fly off-screen, which of course they must.  And pray they don’t hit each other, at least noticeably, because we have an awesome sight gag for when that happens.

Anna and Beth catching the Doritos in their mouths.  

Anyone else think this will be the tricky one? Two of you are gonna take a lot of chips to the face, from presumably close range.  Mind the eyes!

And, it won’t look right if you’re not moving. Maybe tilt the head to the left until you catch one.  Mark that position, then start from there each time in subsequent shots until you catch the next.  And so on.

For the massive artillery barrage we just bang out the SFX “chip crunches” as Doritos go off-screen. If we have different sounding Crunch Sound Files, excellent.  And if the audio permits and it sounds right, overlay them, play with the volume, etc. It’d be awesome if we could get audio that’s as insane as the video.

Doritos Collisions spontaneously forming from Doritos collisions.

After the insane artillery moment,

CUT TO: more staring daggers at each other.  Then another quick throw from each.

CUT TO: The space between them.  The wider the shot, the more awesome the “Shooting a Bullet with another Bullet” shtick.  The narrower, of course, the more likely that you actually pull it off.

Whenever and however you make it happen, be sure to note where the collision occurs. Cut away and cut back to the same setup, only now a bag of Doritos Collisions…

doritos collisions

… hovers in the air.  Hopefully it will be easy to attach to an outstretched rod that’s hidden from the camera by the bag.

If you can make it drop to the ground after a moment, that’s probably perfect. How you can do it without the trick being seen, I have no idea.  Doesn’t matter.  If we have a beat long enough that the audience can read the bag, then cut away, that’ll make an impression.

That gag is so fantastic, it’s probably worth doubling down. After all, the gals haven’t dual-wielded yet:

CUT TO: Wide shot, Anna and Beth glare the glaringest glares that have ever been glared.  Each now has a Dorito in each hand.  They throw them at the same time.

CUT TO: (If it’s too hard to arrange two sets of simultaneous collisions—and it probably is—just cut to two midair Collisions.)

The Lasagna/Garbanzo/Beef Tamale-flavored Doritos.

I’m guessing you’d like to incorporate the LGBT rainbow Doritos. They have to be specially ordered, so they’ll need very fast shipping.  Otherwise we’ll have to ask around or call in favors.

The shout-out to them should be subtle if we’re trying to get as many votes as possible. Sure, a large majority of the folks making and seeing these videos won’t be bothered.  But some will, and it’s also possible that Frito Lay doesn’t want any controversy on Super Sunday.

I’d go with something along these lines–when one of the two battlers is in a “Gotta catch ‘em all! With my mouth!” shot:

CUT TO:

A purple Dorito flies at Anna. She catches it between her teeth, quickly takes it out and admires it.

Anna: “Pretty!”

Then chomp!  And on to the next frenetic shot.

If we do the Third Degree Burn gag on Beth, this also keeps them balanced out. Then again, “balance” means that Anna gets a pretty Dorito and Beth gets a mouthful of Habanero Hell.  So maybe Anna should be the one who has to deep-throat an entire Dorito Locos Taco.

About deep-throating an entire Dorito Locos Taco.

I just think this bit would be hilarious and memorable, because so unexpected. Since we want to keep escalating, I’m not sure yet exactly where it would fit yet.  For now let’s say it’s after the Collisions:

WIDE SHOT– both fighters. If looks could kill.  Beth reaches behind her back, crouching slightly.  Anna’s eyes narrow.

CUT TO:

A Doritos Locos Taco sails majestically through the air and off-screen. SFX:  whatever deep-throating an entire taco sounds like.  I wouldn’t know.

CUT TO:

Anna (cheeks and eyes bulging): “Nod fah!”—i.e., “Not fair!”

“CATHY” (off-screen): “Allowed because funny!”

CUT TO:

A Doritos Locos Tacos rockets across from Anna’s side and off-screen.  SFX:  Like before, only more so.

About the pacing.

If the fight goes 20-seconds, I’m guessing…maybe eight seconds of the crazy insane quarter-second cuts (or less!) and twelve or so seconds of punch lines, the “long” one-to-two second scenes. Yes, this is definitely the director’s job.  I’m just trying to provide plenty of material for the director’s touch.

Yes, I’m boiling all this down into a script over the weekend.  Then it’s on to writing “The Making of DORITOS FU” video.

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Doritos Fu battle strategy.

I’m writing the battle script now with only one rule in mind, the single most important one:  the Rule of Cool!  (Click on pic for utter awesomeness)

rule of cool

(seriously, TVTropes is an awesome resource for writers and performers.)

Don’t worry, the rewrite will consider all the mean little rules that dictate what is actually possible. In fact I’ll even offer some shot breakdowns along with the script, as the director won’t have much time.

Here’s what I’m thinking, subject to the Rule of Cool:

1–SHAMELESS SUCK-UPPERY: As many different Doritos products as possible and as quickly as possible, as inventively as possible. Possible cameo by a Doritos Locos Taco, to be deep-throated in one gulp.

There are also (non-legally actionable) shout-outs. The rights to Mortal Kombat are owned by an arm of Warner Entertainment; a meeting with both WARNER Entertainment and DC is one of the big prizes.

So, if we can combine any element of the ad with a (super-quick) shout-out, we should! Split-second homages, pastiches, parodies, anything that rewards repeated viewings.  Even if it’s just product placement Easter Eggs:  “hiding” your best DC and Warner toys in the background. You guys have those, right?  Like, roughly equivalent to the prop department of a major studio?

2–SCREW PHYSICS, TIME, AND SPACE: We’re doing Artistic License Martial Arts here.

KungPowKick_9242

Keep that in mind when you see my suggested shot breakdowns, which will make me look insane.  Okay, okay…insaner.  We don’t have the budget Ms. Oh-So-Lucky Ali Landry got, so making you gals into stars will require cheating.

Okay!  I wrote this post to get myself into the somber, serious frame of mind necessary for this job.  Mission Accomplished!

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Are 720 pictures worth 720,000 words?

For my long-time readers–all three of you–the past four posts have probably seemed…wierd…which is, weirdly weird.  The subtext–as you’ve all figured out if you’ve dropped by, as you’re the  most intelligent commenters in Internet history–is that “we” are planning to do a Doritos commercial.

It can only last 30 seconds.  And the standard “frame rate” is 24 fps (frames per second). Which means we have to tell our entire story–and we’re angling for an epic story–in 720 frames.  A grand total of 720 photographs, riffled in front of your face…that tells a tale.

Economy…it’s utterly vital to story, at least if you aspire to greatness.  Well…as I’m painfully learning…30-second ads are a bleeding edge when it comes to telling a good tale.

So, I’m working on a 720-frame script and have about 60 hours to complete it.  So why am I blogging about it instead of doing it?  This step back has been a great help, probably.  It’s been a realization.

Every frame is 1/24th of a second, and I’m going to write, or at least consider, each of the 720 pictures in this very important story.  Which is of course about ninja babes waging an epic war for the first taste of the latest Doritos flavor.

But you already knew that.

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Didn’t see this coming.

To spark the epic battle, I’ve been looking for the brand-newest flavor.  Wasn’t expecting it to be…LGBT?!  What, like…lettuce, gouda, bacon and tomato?  That just might work!

doritos-rainbow_0_0

…as it turns out, they’re standard flavors, lots o’ food coloring.  Bags are $10 or more while supplies last.  Those would certainly make colorful shuriken, plus most people would be going “what da…?”.  If you didn’t otherwise draw attention to them, very few traditionalists would know to be offended.  You’d probably get tons more votes than you’d lose.

Holy crap I’m cynical.

On Frito Lay’s official site, several of the Dinamita bags seem to have “NEW” on them, for a less controversial option.

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DORITOS FU!

Maybe Doritos Fu should be the actual name of the ad?  Although of course we want to make “You will fight for them!” a catchphrase.  Here’s the script post, here’s the first notes.

I’ll certainly get you gals a complete script by Nov. 1st, but should you wish to brainstorm, this post has information and links along with some ideas.  Every single one of you is extremely smart, imaginative, and creative, so why not check out the lists of Doritos flavors and see they spark any puns or sight gags?

Also, especially in the fight sequence, I could easily write something that seems simple in my head but is impractical as an actual shot. You guys will have to re-write some stuff on-set in any case.

So: the Doritos site has this toolkit that might have some material usable in the ad.  For example, they already have “chip crunch” SFX for use.  They may have much more that will help out the director and editor.

Here is a pretty comprehensive list of all types of Doritos.  This one is even better, with more pictures.

So, as a possible gag, Anna or Beth would snap a chip out of the air and her eyes fly wide open in visible shock. Cut to the other one, smugly holding a bag of this kind…

Doritos-Burn3

…while off-screen “Cathy”/Asian Voice Dude says “Burn!”

The other styles of Doritos I can find are the 3Ds

doritos-3D

and Rollitos…

Doritos rollitos

…and toquito-shaped Dinamitas.

doritos-dinamita-mojo-criollo

So maybe one combatant tosses a Rollito like a dart, the other uses a 3D as a shield, the Rollito embedding itself in the 3D as she pops both in her mouth.  Or we have a brief and very silly Blade Lock between two Dinamitas.  (As I really would like to win a million dollars and take a meeting with Warner/DC entertainment, a slight arching of both backs during the blade lock, coupled with two really deep breaths, couldn’t hurt.)

Also there are some bags with two types of chips inside, with the perfect name:  Doritos Collisions.

doritos collisions

So have the warriors’ thrown chips collide in mid-air and INSTANTLY transform into a bag of Collisions which hovers for a split-second before dropping off-screen.

I thought there was another Doritos shape too, like a waffle or maybe a grid?  Oh, the Jacked Doritos.

doritos-jacked-3d-jalapeno-pepper-jack

Anyway, you see we’re going for the Jackie Chan use-every-possible-thing-as-a-weapon shtick.  Creative, wild, over-the-top maneuvers or impossible outcomes using every sort of chip in every possible way.  Doritos Fu!

P.S.:  Here’s the 1998 commercial that made Ali Landry a star.

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