Doritos Fu battle strategy.

I’m writing the battle script now with only one rule in mind, the single most important one:  the Rule of Cool!  (Click on pic for utter awesomeness)

rule of cool

(seriously, TVTropes is an awesome resource for writers and performers.)

Don’t worry, the rewrite will consider all the mean little rules that dictate what is actually possible. In fact I’ll even offer some shot breakdowns along with the script, as the director won’t have much time.

Here’s what I’m thinking, subject to the Rule of Cool:

1–SHAMELESS SUCK-UPPERY: As many different Doritos products as possible and as quickly as possible, as inventively as possible. Possible cameo by a Doritos Locos Taco, to be deep-throated in one gulp.

There are also (non-legally actionable) shout-outs. The rights to Mortal Kombat are owned by an arm of Warner Entertainment; a meeting with both WARNER Entertainment and DC is one of the big prizes.

So, if we can combine any element of the ad with a (super-quick) shout-out, we should! Split-second homages, pastiches, parodies, anything that rewards repeated viewings.  Even if it’s just product placement Easter Eggs:  “hiding” your best DC and Warner toys in the background. You guys have those, right?  Like, roughly equivalent to the prop department of a major studio?

2–SCREW PHYSICS, TIME, AND SPACE: We’re doing Artistic License Martial Arts here.


Keep that in mind when you see my suggested shot breakdowns, which will make me look insane.  Okay, okay…insaner.  We don’t have the budget Ms. Oh-So-Lucky Ali Landry got, so making you gals into stars will require cheating.

Okay!  I wrote this post to get myself into the somber, serious frame of mind necessary for this job.  Mission Accomplished!

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Are 720 pictures worth 720,000 words?

For my long-time readers–all three of you–the past four posts have probably seemed…wierd…which is, weirdly weird.  The subtext–as you’ve all figured out if you’ve dropped by, as you’re the  most intelligent commenters in Internet history–is that “we” are planning to do a Doritos commercial.

It can only last 30 seconds.  And the standard “frame rate” is 24 fps (frames per second). Which means we have to tell our entire story–and we’re angling for an epic story–in 720 frames.  A grand total of 720 photographs, riffled in front of your face…that tells a tale.

Economy…it’s utterly vital to story, at least if you aspire to greatness.  Well…as I’m painfully learning…30-second ads are a bleeding edge when it comes to telling a good tale.

So, I’m working on a 720-frame script and have about 60 hours to complete it.  So why am I blogging about it instead of doing it?  This step back has been a great help, probably.  It’s been a realization.

Every frame is 1/24th of a second, and I’m going to write, or at least consider, each of the 720 pictures in this very important story.  Which is of course about ninja babes waging an epic war for the first taste of the latest Doritos flavor.

But you already knew that.

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Didn’t see this coming.

To spark the epic battle, I’ve been looking for the brand-newest flavor.  Wasn’t expecting it to be…LGBT?!  What, like…lettuce, gouda, bacon and tomato?  That just might work!


…as it turns out, they’re standard flavors, lots o’ food coloring.  Bags are $10 or more while supplies last.  Those would certainly make colorful shuriken, plus most people would be going “what da…?”.  If you didn’t otherwise draw attention to them, very few traditionalists would know to be offended.  You’d probably get tons more votes than you’d lose.

Holy crap I’m cynical.

On Frito Lay’s official site, several of the Dinamita bags seem to have “NEW” on them, for a less controversial option.

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Maybe Doritos Fu should be the actual name of the ad?  Although of course we want to make “You will fight for them!” a catchphrase.  Here’s the script post, here’s the first notes.

I’ll certainly get you gals a complete script by Nov. 1st, but should you wish to brainstorm, this post has information and links along with some ideas.  Every single one of you is extremely smart, imaginative, and creative, so why not check out the lists of Doritos flavors and see they spark any puns or sight gags?

Also, especially in the fight sequence, I could easily write something that seems simple in my head but is impractical as an actual shot. You guys will have to re-write some stuff on-set in any case.

So: the Doritos site has this toolkit that might have some material usable in the ad.  For example, they already have “chip crunch” SFX for use.  They may have much more that will help out the director and editor.

Here is a pretty comprehensive list of all types of Doritos.  This one is even better, with more pictures.

So, as a possible gag, Anna or Beth would snap a chip out of the air and her eyes fly wide open in visible shock. Cut to the other one, smugly holding a bag of this kind…


…while off-screen “Cathy”/Asian Voice Dude says “Burn!”

The other styles of Doritos I can find are the 3Ds


and Rollitos…

Doritos rollitos

…and toquito-shaped Dinamitas.


So maybe one combatant tosses a Rollito like a dart, the other uses a 3D as a shield, the Rollito embedding itself in the 3D as she pops both in her mouth.  Or we have a brief and very silly Blade Lock between two Dinamitas.  (As I really would like to win a million dollars and take a meeting with Warner/DC entertainment, a slight arching of both backs during the blade lock, coupled with two really deep breaths, couldn’t hurt.)

Also there are some bags with two types of chips inside, with the perfect name:  Doritos Collisions.

doritos collisions

So have the warriors’ thrown chips collide in mid-air and INSTANTLY transform into a bag of Collisions which hovers for a split-second before dropping off-screen.

I thought there was another Doritos shape too, like a waffle or maybe a grid?  Oh, the Jacked Doritos.


Anyway, you see we’re going for the Jackie Chan use-every-possible-thing-as-a-weapon shtick.  Creative, wild, over-the-top maneuvers or impossible outcomes using every sort of chip in every possible way.  Doritos Fu!

P.S.:  Here’s the 1998 commercial that made Ali Landry a star.

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First notes on “You Will Fight For Them!”

Okay, notes. The script below—here’s the link— was a first draft written in only 30 minutes, so apologies for the lack of polish and usual formatting.  (Although commercial scripts are much different from film/TV, being double-columned.)

The pace has to be breakneck for two reasons. We’re cramming an epic story into 30 seconds.  This pace also gives the tone and feel of clichéd martial arts flicks and video games.  Any TVTropes-stuff should be considered:  over-the-top sound effects, exaggerated glares and gestures, etc.  Here’s the TVTropes search page for martial arts.  Also tropes from the Buffy/Xena style of babes-doing-butt-kicking could work.

I’m not saying we do ALL of them, of course; it wouldn’t be desirable even if it were possible. But unless two of you gals ARE Xena-class martial artists, the duel will require brief shots, quick cuts, and careful editing.  You know:  shot of a hand throwing Doritos rapid-fire/chips criss-crossing in mid-air/lovely lips snatching Doritos from the air—this last shot of course being the tricky one.  So any tropes or cheats that help sell the battle will be great.

We should buy every flavor and style of Dorito available, and feature as many as possible. Crazy martial arts uses for the various flavors and shapes would be fantastic.  I’ll look at some options today if work isn’t terribly busy, this evening otherwise.

I do believe, if it could be squeezed in, an uncredited cameo would be hilarious:

SHOT: a single Doritos Locos Taco flies through the air.  S/FX: crunching and chewing.

ANNA (cheeks bulging, muffled voice): “Thad nod fah!”

CATHY (offscren) : I allow it because it is funny!

If you guys want to comment here or on the script page, I have to approve everyone’s first. After that your comments will go up (unless you include two or more links, I think.)

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Dorito Fu: You will fight for them!


ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game.  Each has a different bag of Doritos; one, the classic Nacho Cheese, the other Cool Ranch.

Anna:  “Die!

Beth:  “You die!”

Something drops onto the coffee table:  BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!

ANNA and BETH:   “Ooooh, new flavor!

WIDEN SHOT:  A third hottie, CATHY, stares sternly.  Her lips begin moving, but her voice only starts a second later, like a badly-dubbed martial art flick.

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

(Her voice sounds exactly like a homicidal male maniac from Mortal Kombat.  Or, even better, George Takei having a blast.)

Anna and Beth exchange looks.

BETH:  “How does she do that?”

WIDE SHOT:  Center of living room.  Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duelists.  Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.

CATHY:  “Begin!”

The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl their Doritos like throwing stars!  Each then catches the other’s chip in her mouth.

A beat, as they lock gazes.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of living room.  Four chips sail into view, two from each side.  They fly off-screen.

CLOSE ON:  Beth.  She casually catches both chips, one-two.

CLOSE ON:  Anna.  Likewise.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Middle living room.  This time a total of eight chips fly, four each way.

CLOSE ON:  Beth.  She catches them one-two-three-wait the fourth is a purple Dorito!  She catches it with lips and tongue and quickly examines it.

BETH:  “Shiny!”

She chomps it with gusto.

CLOSE ON:  Anna.  She likewise catches them, one-two-three-four, but on the last one her eyes fly wide, a shocked expression.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Between Beth and Cathy.  Beth smirks as she holds up a bag of THIRD DEGREE BURN Doritos.   This, as Cathy speaks with her badly-dubbed voice in an Asian male’s accent.

CATHY:  “Burn!”

CLOSE ON:  Anna.  A beat, to admire her furious glare.  Then she throws 8 chips in less than 2 seconds.  Her speed is so superhuman she exchanges Doritos bags between each throw and every chip is a different variety.

CLOSE ON:  Beth.  Likewise.  In fact, they may be so fast that with every throw they’re also changing jewelry, hair clips, and other bits of bling.  It’s hard to tell.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of room.  Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions.  As increasing numbers fly off-screen,

SFX:  crunch crunchcrunch CRunchunchcrUNCH UNCHCRUNCRRRNNNNCHHH

…you know.  The sound of 100 gargantuan preying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating marriage with their 100 hard-headed husbands.  There’s probably an app for that.

WIDE SHOT:  Living room.  A beat, showcasing glares between Anna and Beth that would be Kryptonite’s…er, Kryptonite.

Then each does some weird mystical but awesome hand-wavy thing with her chip hand, before hurling the Dorito.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of living room.  Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air.  They instantly disappear and a bag of Doritos Collisions appears in their place, hovering.

WIDE SHOT:  Living room.  Another beat, as Anna and Beth super-Saiyan their glares to OVER LEVEL 9000!

They’re also dual-wielding chips, which they undulate about in a super-sexy Saiyan manner.  They throw!

MEDIUM SHOT:  You know where.  Two brand new bags of Doritos Collisions hover in mid-air.

WIDE SHOT:  C’mon.  A beat, as Anna and Beth glare the glaringest glares that will ever be glared in glaring history.

Then Beth crouches slightly as she reaches behind her back.  Anna tenses, eyes narrowing.  Beth whips her arm around…

MEDIUM SHOT:  Living room center, duh.  A single Doritos Locos Taco arches serenely across the POV and then off-screen.  SFX:  The sound of an entire taco being deep-throated within a split second.  Can’t describe it, wouldn’t know.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Between Anna and Cathy.

ANNA (cheeks and eyes bulging):  “NOD FAIH!”

“CATHY”:  “Acceptable because funny!”

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center living room.  A beat, then a Doritos Locos Taco rockets from Anna’s side and passes off-screen like a missile.  SFX:  Like just before, only more so.  But maybe with a big GULPING sound too, since Beth must clear her throat in order to ready herself for…

…the two warriors rushing toward each other and meeting at center-screen, dual-wielding Doritos Dinamitas!  They clash!  DOUBLE Blade Lock!

ANNA:  “Doritos be mine!”

BETH:  “Mine!”

They test each other, perhaps exchanging quips and double entendres which escape me at the moment.  And doubtless the conflict forces each into movements and postures exactly as titillating as is permissible by the FCC for a SuperBowl broadcast…




Yes, apparently the fight lasted for hours.  The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone.  Empty Doritos bags are everywhere; one is even draped over the head of the household cat.

Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa:  disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy.  The prized Doritos bag is between them.  Cathy places both their hands on the bag.

CATHY:  “Perfect Draw!”

As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER two more hot young things, DORY and EMMA.  They REACT to the Doritos.

DORY and EMMA:   “Oooooh, new flavor!”

A beat.

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

Anna and Beth’s heads sag.


MEDIUM SHOT:  It’s the center of the living room, people!  Geez!

Two teams, four babes, back-to-back in duelist positions.  As they stride away a SLOW FADE begins and a word appears:  DORITOS.  Then beneath, in smaller font,: You Will Fight For Them!

SFX:  CATHY/KOMBAT PSYCHO/GEORGE TAKEI ON AMPHETAMINES (off-screen):  “You will fight for them!”


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Bulwer-Lytton entry!

It took decades, but I finally entered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, by far the world’s greatest contest of bad writing. My entry:

The jar was oozing, and the ooze was jarring: a dank fetid oleaginous slime that slapped and slithered across the bourgeoisie marble countertop like loathsome Gerber’s Lovecraftian Puree…

Admit it:  that prose is foul.

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