Uncle Sam, I’m your marriage counselor. You need to sit down.

Uncle, I know this is hard to hear, but…your federal “union” is so tormented that a million Americans want divorce.   Forgive my reflexive response:

I’ve wanted this divorce for years, because my pain threshold is very low.  I just can’t take the incessant demands, endless complaints, bitter recriminations, spiteful insults, and outright hatred of the Left.   And what have Americans done to deserve this?

Fought against a family bankruptcy.

We’ve probably failed.  And that’s because you, Uncle Sam, let the wife keep maxing the credit cards.  But set finances aside for now.  It’s not the primary concern.  Heal this marital rift and you will overcome your Leviathan of debt.  You’ve done it before.

The problem is…your marriage can’t be saved.  Well, you could save it, Uncle.  But you won’t.  Because your sole hope for domestic peace is to bend Aunt Socialist over your knee and spank your spouse until she remembers who the boss is.*

Your marriage is doomed, Uncle, because…frankly…you’re “P”-whipped.  And look at the date!  This is the one-hundredth anniversary of your very first “P”-whipping.   And after a century of whippings you cringe like a kicked puppy whenever a Progressive says “boo.”

That’s why you don’t have a more perfect union, Sam.  You don’t deserve one.  And everybody knows it.

Aunt Socialist:  “Find me more money!”  U.S.:  “Yes, dear.”

Aunt Socialist:  “Don’t be such a prude!”  U.S.:  “Yes, dear.”

Aunt Socialist:  “I want the cabana boy!”  U.S.:  “Whatever you say, dear.”

Sure, good marriages require compromise.  Here’s the thing, Sam…both sides must do it.  If you sacrifice and Aunt Socialist doesn’t, that isn’t “compromise”.  The word is “capitulation”.

Well, you’ve compromised.  That’s only natural, given that there are many more Cowed-Americans than Tea Partiers and Bretbartians.  But…and you must be brutally honest, Sam

…will your spouse compromise?  Will Aunt Socialist meet you halfway, a quarter-way?  Can she tithe one sacrifice to your every ten?

Well, let’s ponder that.  America left you in charge of the House because that’s who manages the checkbook.  And you’ve reminded your spendthrift wife…again…of the simple truth:  we’re flat broke and will go bankrupt unless we cut spending.

Did she grudgingly agree?  Or perhaps childishly wheedle you for spending money?  No, Sam.  Here is your spouse:

“If I don’t get my way I’’ll smash the dishes and break the furniture and torch your g-d car!”

It’s a bad marriage, Sam, and your wife is an abuser.  Take this “secession” business.  It’s not widespread…yet…but it is the first cry of the most desperately wounded spouses.

Gadsden-American: “I’ve begged you over and over to stop hurting me but now I realize you can’t help yourself.  So please, please, let’s go our separate ways.”

Progressive-American:   “How dare you?!  Well, you can go to hell as long as I keep all your stuff.  In fact I want my boyfriend to ‘peacefully’ drag you straight to hell!”

Progressives can’t stay calm about divorce because, deep-down, they know they’ll never make it on their own.  Aunt Socialist knows you’d thrive without her; she’s also vaguely aware that she can’t boil water without burning down the kitchen.

But make no mistake:  your wife hates you, Sam.  She’s stayed with you for the money even while she despises you for earning it.  Your wife is a slut who’s only turned on by snake-oil salesmen and hard-eyed cruelty and bad-boy attitudes, no matter how pathetic the “bad boy” actually is.

No amount of your bootlicking will make her want you, Sam.  Just the opposite.  The most you’ll ever get from your selfish bitch wife is respect, and that only by breaking her will.

But because you’re not willing to do that, and since the Left can’t amicably divorce…

here’s how it ends.

(*For the anthropomorphically challenged:  “Uncle Sam” is the embodiment of free America, “Aunt Socialist” is statist America.  Duh.  So, no, I don’t advocate paddle-pain for the addle-brained no matter how much they beg for it.  Likewise, patriots like Sarah Palin and Janine Turner are never to spank leftist men.  Ever!)

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About wormme

I've accepted that all of you are socially superior to me. But no pretending that any of you are rational.
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8 Responses to Uncle Sam, I’m your marriage counselor. You need to sit down.

  1. Edohiguma says:

    Speaking of marriages…

    http://www.japantimes.co.jp/text/nn20121118a1.html

    Totally called it.

    • wormme says:

      But what does it mean?

      • Edohiguma says:

        Massive spanking for some people coming up.

      • Edohiguma says:

        Let me elaborate a bit. Hashimoto was originally aiming for 100 seats in the lower house of the Diet, which has 480 seats. If he’d achieve that he’d be in the position to make the next prime minister, because an opposition party holding that many seats, yeah, you’d have be insane to make a pass on them. Those 100 seats were absolutely reachable nationwide.

        Now merging with Ishihara, who, despite being whined at by ChiComs and left wing media and having similar warped views about history as Hashimoto, still got elected consecutively for governor of Tokyo, those 100 seats will definitely happen. I’m actually inclined to say they might hit up to 150, if not more.

        The situation is similar to elections for governor in Tokyo. Ishihara won simply because he was always the lesser evil. His competition in Tokyo was always a bunch of lunatics, and honestly, he wasn’t doing such a bad job at being governor either.

        So now Japan can vote between the DPJ and the LDP. Other opposition parties are pretty irrelevant. The largest opposition party has 21 seats, they’re only interesting for ruling coalitions when the DPJ and LDP don’t get enough seats. The DPJ shot itself in the foot. No, that’s not really right. The DPJ, the current ruling party, cut off both its legs. They currently have 306 seats (including independents), which they will not repeat on December 16. No way the DPJ can win this, not after the party bleeding support and actual Diet members. A large number of members left to form their own party and just recently they lost another 9. The current cabinet has an approval rating below 18% and Noda has become increasingly unpopular among the voters.

        The LDP isn’t any better. Since Koizumi left in 2006 they’ve been going down hard. Both the LDP and the DPJ have added to the completely ridiculous Prime Minister Roundabout that has been going on since 2006. One prime minister per year, that’s insane. Not to mention that the LDP’s current leader was already prime minister after Koizumi and he weaseled out of his job.

        So now the people have to chose between two parties that effectively stand for the same old crap and they will continue messing around aimlessly and the people know that. The DPJ’s tax hike is unpopular, which will cost them even more votes. The LDP pretty much supported it, which won’t sit well either. There hasn’t been a leader since Koizumi. Sure, Koizumi had his own issues, but there was one thing that Abe, Fukuda, Aso, Hatoyama, Kan and Noda don’t have: he was a decision maker, he was decisive, he could get his point across and get things done.

        In fact, I’ll go so far and say that even an Ishihara-Hashimoto ruling party is possible. It’s not likely, because I doubt that they could get 200+ seats, but at the same time it’s also not impossible. They just have to sway the Kanto and Kansai, which, let’s face it, since Hashimoto is from Kansai and Ishihara from the Kanto, is absolutely possible. Those are the large population centers and once those go to them other areas will follow. They just need to sell their approach better than their competition and especially Ishihara has the experience to do so.

        December 16 will be extremely interesting.

        • wormme says:

          I guess my problem is that I have no idea what anyone stands for. Scratch that, they’re all modern pols and bureaucrats, I know exactly what they stand for. Just don’t know what they claim their differences are.

          Of course, if a non-American heared about an election between a doctrinaire Leftist faux-populist academic Senator and a technocratic self-proclaimed “hard conservative” moderate, they’d have no idea either. Unless they assume the same as I do about the ruling Nipponese political parties.

          A pox on both their houses.

          Is that about right?

          • Edohiguma says:

            Yeah.

            Technically DPJ vs LDP is moderate Democrats vs moderate Republicans. Considering that the DPJ was founded by LDP defectors the differences are even less pronounced.

            The DPJ has been trying to cash in on the anti-nukers, but from what I’ve seen myself in Japan the topic that concerns most people is Senkaku and the rising Chinese aggression (despite the media trying to play it down.) Nuclear power is no actual issue anymore. There were short time fringe protests, the number of people taking part in them was never impressive. It’s effectively silent now, I haven’t heard anything of large or even moderately sized protests. And Kepco is planning on restarting 2 reactors.

            Meanwhile the Japan Times called Ishihara’s press conference “rattling sabers” against China, while they never even remotely call Chinese invasions of Japanese waters that, which I find interesting, to say the least. It’s a similar trend as over here. Don’t call the aggressor by its name, rather boo at the guy calling the aggressor out. Ishihara is the “evil hawk” in the media, of course, who wants a course of strength against China, while the DPJ has been trying to appease (the LDP isn’t any better, though they’re a bit more “hawkish”), and yet listening to the people that whole incompetence and weakness of the Noda government when dealing with the Chinese invasions of Japanese waters has pissed off a lot of people. It may as well become the decisive factor for the coming election.

            The Japanese people want a leader, someone who has backbone and can make decisions. As I said since Koizumi left in 2006 there was no such thing. The decisions may not necessarily be popular, but I have the feeling that just having someone decisive is good enough for most people after the ridiculous prime minister merry-go-around for the past SIX years.

            Heck, I’m a foreigner there and honestly, I’d rather see Ishihara-Hashimoto win than the same old back and forth bull that the LDP and DPJ stand for.

  2. but . . . she loves me! and she is so sorry for hurting me, and she’s going to change this time around. you’ll see.

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