“Fairness in Firearms Act”, version 2.0

All Americans should agree that gun control is a wonderful thing. The more control over your weaponry, the better. Of course that’s not what the Left seeks. They argue (publicly) for gun control.

It’s obvious to any sane person that gun control is impossible. At least, obviously to anyone aware of the 2nd, 18th, and 21st Amendments.  Even if the 2nd is repealed…which can’t happen…it would only be like passing the 18th.  Which didn’t work.

Fortunately, gun grabbers like Mike Bloomberg don’t practice what they preach. He publicly demands gun control. But privately he insists on gun control. Rich Americans—both corporate and individual—hire armed bodyguards and security firms all the time.

And thus the “Fairness in Firearms Act”:  changing gun control into gun control.  Senator Cruz is my personal choice to offer the following proposal. He would maximize the outrage of all the right…er, Left people.  Trump could reference his wealth to highlight this 2nd Amendment unfairness.  But Cruz could actually submit this legislation.

So, without further ado…Senator Ted Cruz:

It is an outrage…an abomination…that millions of Americans cannot obtain weapons with which to defend their families, while the wealthy can hire armed guards.  And so I offer the Fairness in Firearms Act:  in any jurisdiction in which law-abiding Americans cannot exercise their 2nd Amendment rights, no private bodyguards or security firms can be armed while defending their clients.

“This also applies to off-duty LEOs and military personnel.  Of course, as they may be called to duty at any time, their weapons can be present but peace-bonded, kept in trunks, etc.  Nor can retired military or police carry firearms, if other private citizens cannot.”

This bill anticipates the reaction of the rich who already enjoy armed protection:  “Our hirelings have skills! Training! Equipment!”  That is true. Therefore the FiFA authorizes a $2,000 per annum subsidy to all adult, law-abiding Americans exercising their  2nd Amendment rights. Obviously this subsidy must be spent only on weapons, ammo, armor, and training.

Our wealthy…and safe!…neighbors may think this sum is too low. Obviously we will provide enough resources for poor Americans to meet Michael Bloomberg’s exacting standards for his own safety.

This legislation does require proof that the subsidy is spent solely on 2nd Amendment-related items and training.  And so we must see receipts in order to prevent fraud.  But let me emphasize!  There will be no national firearm registry!  The FiFA is to arm and train the citizenry to make gun grabbing harder, not easier.

There is only one further moral objection Mr. Bloomberg might make to poor Americans defending themselves. “They’re amateurs!  My underlings are pros!” Thus FiFA will pay $1 per year to all armed Americans protecting themselves, their families, and the public.  This makes them all professional bodyguards.

Unlike the subsidy, your dollar salary may be spent however you please.  

The Fairness in Firearms Act should delight the NRA and its allies as well as Michael Bloomberg and his allies.  2nd Amendment “haves” like Bloomberg will no longer be able to enjoy protection denied to the poor “have-nots” of New York and Chicago.  It even benefits Bloomberg and other wealthy Americans.  Their security expenses will go down with an influx of professional bodyguards in the tens of millions. 

You’re welcome, One-Percenters.

Even if wealthy Americans don’t directly employ newly-armed Americans, they will indirectly benefit. All decent Americans benefit from law-abiding, highly competent armsmen.  And armswomen, of course.”

There is a final clause to the FiFA. It regards posted “gun-free” zones. Obviously private homes and businesses have complete freedom to ban whatever they like. Public spaces, however, do not.

This legislation does not ban “gun-free” zones in such areas. But by disarming Americans who could otherwise defend themselves, the controlling authority or authorities take explicit responsibility for the welfare of those present. This means legal and financial responsibility for felonious harm incurred.

And yes, this includes federal property and facilities.

Over the past twenty years, the gun homicide rate in this country has been cut in half. This does not coincide with the liberalization of carry laws in most states. I say it does not “coincide” because it is not a coincidence! They are directly related! Thus anyone opposing the Fairness in Firearms Act is, ignorantly or not, trying to get more innocent Americans killed.

Thank you for your time.

GOP:  are you serious about making political inroads with minority Americans?   This.  Right here.  Do it.  Constantly remind everyone that rich white Democrats (and Bloombergs) enjoy things they deny everyone else.  Including their “allies”.

And when they scream in rage at their hypocrisy being featured…point at the screaming.  Here, I’ll even toss in the perfect hashtag, free of charge:


You’re welcome.

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Working on “Fairness in Firearms” 2.0

Am taking the several dozen comments here and at Instapundit and revising the previous post.  Should be up early in the weekend.  Then…from our lips to Limbaugh’s ear?  I really feel like I don’t do enough to enrage all the right…er, left…people.

The gem of the suggestions was from “Shrike DeCil” over at Instapundit.

Add: Public places with policies of being a “Gun Free Zone” shall also explicitly assume the duty of protecting their patrons, and shall thus expose the property owner, the franchise owner, and the parent corporation to liability.

Obviously that’s going in.  Bravo Shrike!

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The Fairness in Firearms Act.

(ADDED:  Thanks to the Perfessor, as always, for the link.  Note that if you comment, if it’s your first time I’ll have to approve it.  I will do so ASAP.  And thanks for the terrific comments already made.  I am not an attorney, but would love to see the proposal actually hit the House or Senate and drive all the right people insane.  Er, insaner.  If any reader wants to go ahead and submit this idea to their favorite candidate/Rep./Sen., feel free.)

Why do we argue about gun control when we could easily make it about gun control?  Here’s what I want to hear from the best current Presidential candidate:

Sen.  Cruz:  “It is an outrage…it is an abomination…that millions of Americans cannot obtain weapons with which to defend their families, while wealthy Americans can hire armed guards for themselves.  And so I submit the Fairness in Firearms Act:  in any jurisdiction in which law-abiding Americans are not guaranteed their 2nd Amendment rights, no private bodyguards or security firms can be so armed while defending their clients.”

“This also applies to off-duty LEOs and military personnel.  Of course, as they may be called to duty at any time, their weapons can be present but peace-bonded, kept in trunks, etc.”

And how will the Celebutard and Bloombergtard Communities react?  Will they give up their security details?  HahahaHA.  Nope.  There are only two arguments possible, and they cannot offer the true one.  They will go with, “that’s different!  Our guards are professionals!  Skills, training, equipment!”

“Ah,” replies Cruz.  “You’re absolutely right.  We must provide the millions of poor private bodyguards the resources necessary to bring them up to your standards.  Perhaps a $2,000 per year subsidy solely for firearm training and equipment?  Or more?  Whatever you wealthy employers are comfortable with.  Oh, and I agree that putting firing ranges in schools and offering security training to students is a fabulous idea!”

Much spluttering.

Cruz, relentlessly, “What’s wrong?  This will only lower the cost of your security expenses, what with creating millions more highly trained bodyguards.  And even if you don’t directly employ them, you’ll indirectly benefit.  All law-abiding Americans will benefit from more law-abiding, highly competent armsmen.  And armswomen, of course.”

Almost none of these wealthy hypocrites are sufficiently self-aware to know the reason for their continued objection.  And of the few that are, those evil tyrants can’t offer it either.  For it is:  “Guns for Me but not for Thee!  Power to Us and powerlessness to You!  We held to no standards and you to ever-changing and contradictory ones!  WE HATE YOU!”

Please please please let’s do this to them.  If this idea finds its way to Cruz, isn’t there a chance he might actually do it?  I intend to send it first to his campaign, as he’s my choice among the remaining field.  But prior feedback from you would be great.

Technical Note:  while it would be hilarious to slowly back the gun grabbers off the logical cliff, as above, it practice it would be sub-optimal.  Wouldn’t it?  Better would be an Either/Or proposal.  Either we arrange things so that even poor Chicago citizens can defend themselves with arms, or we take such defense away from the wealthy.

Fairness in Firearms.

UPDATE:  upon reflection, I’ve already seen how to improve the proposal.  Obviously states and municipalities with No License Required or Shall Issue laws are exempt from the Fairness in Firearms Act.  They already are fair.  The only states or affected are those that allow the wealthy to be protected by firearms, while denying that to the poor.

And, in case it wasn’t obvious, this in no way infringes on bodyguards’ or security firms’ right to do commerce.  They just don’t get to tote guns wherever other private citizens don’t.  They have 2nd Amendment rights, not advantages.



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Synchronicity is weird.

I took a break from the book-writing and started to read the latest Tim Powers novel.  Mr. Powers, as noted before, is always worth reading.  But I almost immediately had to stop.

My story’s heroine is a thirteen-year-old girl named Kristin Cross.  His is a fourteen-year-old named Christina Rossetti.  Most unsettling.

Now I must finish mine before taking up his again.  Can’t take the chance that his also has Dracula…


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Thank you. And a question.

Thank you guys who keep checking in despite each lengthy hiatus.

The Doritos ad fell through because flu, or some other bug, swept over my Knoxville babes and prevented the filming.


Writing that ad unlocked something in my head that hasn’t been out in years.  Over the past week or so I have been obsessively writing a Young Adult novel.  I’m talking 20,000 words or more.  It’s crazy.  I probably have an overdue bill or two by now and can’t even care.  Ideas are still building up faster than I can note them.

I call it a YA novel, and it is, but for a very select young audience (cue Spinal Tap joke).  I’m writing it to the thirteen-year-old female version of myself.  Currently it would be a bit challenging for the average adult reader.

Of course, you guys are anything but average.

Since I’m ignoring day-to-day necessities, it’s unlikely I’ll be blogging about the ever-rapidly-increasing destruction of Western society.  As you know, I’ve given up on that mess.  The only surprise left is how insanely rapid is the collapse.  Like this month’s utterly stupid, weak, and immoral students at U. of Missouri and  freakin’ Yale.  As Bill Paxton observed:

“Game over, man!”

But some of you still drop by here.  So…would you like me to start posting material from the project?  Because that’s where my head will be for the next few months.

Current title:  “Every Somewhere:  the Adventures of Kristin Cross”.

I’m not threatening you with rough drafts.  Anything I post here would be relatively polished.  Maybe not a gleaming glossy “sell it on Kindle now!” polish, but it will have passed through at least one edit cycle.

And of course critiques and comments, should you choose to make any, would be warmly appreciated.

Let me know below.  God bless.

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Bonus Material for Begging Purposes

Bloopers, “bloopers”, Publicity Stills, “Behind the Scenes”, and Easter Eggs, oh my.

All of you: “Do you hate us, Marlon?!”  Nope.  Just dreaming up anything that might help you gals break in to the Biz.  Then I ride your coattails.

The full voting period is about a month. People can vote once per day, per device.  All the contestants will be begging for votes on all their media platforms.

But…will they provide extra entertainment when they do?

Obviously this is secondary to the actual shoot. But there will be natural bloopers we’ll automatically capture on camera.  I can ready “ad lib” lines for probable flubs. That makes them funnier and the cast and crew seem amazingly witty.

When “DORY”, “EMMA”, or anyone else on set isn’t busy, they could take pics for publicity stills. Get video clips for off-screen bloopers, “behind the scenes” stuff, etc.

Possible “value-added” material to dribble out over the voting period:


  • The cast, looking good and having fun, standing behind the huge mound of Doritos bags. (Remember: Frito Lay wants almost all of the flavors to be Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch.)
  • Goofy looks and melodramatic poses.  You gals are great at these.
  • Anything that looks fun, funny, or weird.


  • Everyone flinging Doritos at each other across the room during the Mass Flight shot.
  • Reaction shots to the many, many “chips to the face” that Anna and Beth will take.
  • Likewise when posing them in some of the ridiculous chip-catching positions.
  • Anything fun.

PIXAR “BLOOPERS”: These are the only ones that might not be doable, depending on how the shooting goes.  I came up with this one in about two seconds.  It’s the “dual-wielding” moment:

Anna and Beth clash together. Their Doritos break!  (LAUGHTER)

ANNA:   “Ahhh!  I think I chipped a nail!

BETH: “I nailed a chip!”  (MORE LAUGHTER)

If you can’t or don’t want to, no prob. But if we rank high, industry pros or agents might take a look around.  And there’s very little dialogue in this thing.  Well-delivered “ad libs” will showcase your acting a bit more.


‘Nuff said.



These could be shot and posted up until the final voting deadline.

Like:  KRIS at computer, video editing, with haunted eyes.

KRIS: “There were so many shots…so many shots…we had more shots than we had Doritos!!”

She breaks down, is comforted by the others.

Or:  KRIS and SARAH at computer, sound mixing program open.

SARAH:   “Here’s what our insane writer wanted.”  (READING) “The sound of 100 gigantic praying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating their unions with 100 hard-headed husbands.”


Kris: You see what we have to deal with?!”

And when voting starts on Jan. 5th, we release these “bonus features” on social media as we plead for daily votes.

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Annotated Snack Fu script.


ANNA and BETH, two hot young things, are on the sofa playing a video game(1).  Each has a different bag of Doritos:  Anna has Nacho Cheese, Beth has Cool Ranch(2).

Anna:  “Die!

Beth:  “You die!”

Something drops onto the coffee table:  BAG OF NEWEST DORITO FLAVOR!

ANNA and BETH:   “Ooooh, new flavor!

WIDEN SHOT(3):  CATHY(4) stares at them sternly.  Cathy’s lips move in shapes that don’t match her words, which start a moment later like in a badly-dubbed martial arts flick.

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

(Her voice is that of a homicidal-sounding Asian man.)

ANNA:  “How does she do that?”

WIDE SHOT:  Center of living room.  Anna and Beth are back-to-back like duellists.  Each has her bag of Doritos in one hand, a single chip in the other.

Cathy claps twice; the sound definitely doesn’t match her hands.  The duelists stride away, turn…and hurl their Doritos like throwing stars!  Each catches the other’s chip in her mouth(5).  A beat, as they lock gazes.

CLOSE ON:  Anna.  She flings four Nacho Cheese in less than a second.

CLOSE ON: Beth.  Likewise, except three Cool Ranch, one something else.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Middle living room.  Eight chips flash past in opposite directions(6).

EIGHT ALTERNATING QUICK SHOTS:  Beth and Anna making increasingly crazy catches. Such as: simple catch, martial arts crane position, diving horizontally, backflip, somersault, standing on head, etc(7).

CLOSE ON:  Anna, catching the last of the eight chips. Her eyes fly wide, she briefly shudders.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Between Beth and Cathy.  Beth smirks, holding up:


This, as Cathy mouths several rapid-fire Badly-Dubbed-Asian-Male syllables.

CATHY:  “Burn!”

CLOSE ON:   Anna.  A beat, to admire her furious glare.  Then she throws 8 more Nacho Cheese even faster than before.  She’s gotten so fast she may be changing jewelry, hair clips, and other bling between each throw(8).  It’s hard to tell.

CLOSE ON:  Beth.  Likewise with Cool Ranch.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of room.  Swarms of Doritos suddenly dart in both directions.  As increasing numbers fly off-screen,

SFX:  CRUNCHCRUUNCHCRNCRNUNCHUNCHUNCH…you know:  the sound of 100 gigantic preying mantis brides, married in a mass ceremony, simultaneously consummating their unions with 100 hard-headed husbands(9).

WIDE SHOT:  Living room.  Anna and Beth exchange fabulous glares as each does some  weird but awesome Super Saiyan-like maneuver before hurling the Doritos.

MEDIUM SHOT:  Center of living room.  Two Doritos fly in from both sides and hit each other in mid-air.  They instantly disappear and a bag of

doritos collisions

appears, hovering just long enough to be recognized.

BACK AND FORTH:  As Anna’s and Beth’s scowls increase to OVER LEVEL 9000!

WIDE SHOT:  The two warriors rush forward and meet at center-screen, dual-wielding Nacho Cheeses and Cool Ranches!  DOUBLE Blade Lock, edge-perpendicular-to-edge(10)!

ANNA:  “Treasure be mine!”

BETH:  “My booty!”(11)

The gladiators’ struggle forces them into movements and postures as titillating(12) as possible without being obvious about it…




Apparently the fight lasted for hours.  The house looks like a tank-flattened war zone.  Empty Doritos bags are everywhere.  The household cat has one stuck to her back.(13)

Anna and Beth are slumped on the sofa:  disheveled, spent, but still damn sexy.  The Doritos prize is between them.  Cathy places a hand on the shoulder of each weary warrior.

CATHY:  “Doritos Draw!”

As the weary champions claim their prize, ENTER DORY and EMMA.  One has a Nacho Cheese bag, the other Cool Ranch.  They REACT to the prize Doritos.

DORY and EMMA:   “Ooooh, new flavor!”

CATHY:  “You will fight for them!”

Anna and Beth’s heads sag.


Dueling position.  Two teams, four babes, back-to-back to back-to-back.  SLOW FADE as they begin to stride.  A Doritos Logo appears onscreen.

SFX:  “KOMBAT KATHY” (off-screen):  “You will fight for them!”



(1) Video games are a perfect segue…but we shouldn’t see the controllers, or at least they’re unrecognizable. REASON: No outside product placement AT ALL. If it’s too much trouble, just have them watching the football game with generic cheering.

Also, we CANNOT have any Warner Brothers or DC Entertainment products visible or we’re disqualified. Which also means we can’t parody Mortal Kombat too closely.

(2) The email from Doritos said they much prefer Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch being featured. So the other flavors just for their punchlines, and no longer than necessary.

(3) WIDEN SHOT: Whatever director wants, of course. It’s just how I see it in my head.

(4) Cathy played by Evelyn or another girl actress? Two reasons: it’s the absolute funniest contrast with the voice. Also, so it doesn’t look like a total pander to the Male Gaze.

(5) This first toss/catch is written in a wide shot, which requires simultaneous catches from a pretty far distance. It’d be awesome if we could get this! It would establish all the rest. But probably awesomely hard unless Anna and Beth are both good throws. Any of you practice card throwing? Like some poor deprived McAvoy boys growing up before there were video games?

(6) Eight chips crossing shot: best with tighest possible grouping?

(7) The crazier the better.   Like the lounging, “Deadpool in front of the fireplace” shot? It’s SNACK FU!

(8) If changing accessories isn’t too distracting, of course.  Or it’s too much trouble getting them into the same exact position for each shot, after moving them around.

(9)  Doritos has a “chip crunch” SFX on their website, part of the contestants’ ToolKit.  If they have rigid requirements of SFX or other, I don’t know yet.  Checking it out ASAP!

(10) If you can’t make this work, Doritos Dinamitas are permitted but discouraged.  But if they turn the regular Doritos at right-angles it seems doable.

(11) “Treasure” and “booty” lines:  feel free to change if too “cheesy”, of course. Don’t pardon the pun.

(12) As (11).

(13) If we use a cat actor, we have an additional form to fill out, affirming that it wasn’t harmed in any way. So if she’s bored or grooming herself, good. It she’s catnipshit-crazy, probably not.

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